A surgical termination after a relationship went wrong

My life just feels to be one big mess and has been for the last 10 years.
I was 17 when I 1st became pregnant with my mother and the baby's father forcing me to have an abortion in the end I lost the baby. 2 years of pain passed where I turned to drink and drugs to take the pain away.
When I was 25 I stupidly had a one night stand being drunk he pulled out on ejaculation and that failed I found myself pregnant again this time I had experienced a blighted ovum.
I met my loving partner and he seemed so sincere and for the 1st time ever I was able to tell him the pain I was feeling. We talked about it regular something he liked to bring up and one day he rubbed my tummy and said I can't wait till you have my baby in your tummy. That was it I was totally in love with an amazing guy and we were all set to become engaged. I stopped taking the pill and that month I was pregnant I was thrilled so was he we both couldn't wait. At 5 weeks I began to bleed heavily and was sent for an urgent scan, they saw the sac but no foetus, my heart sank, I could not deal with losing another pregnancy they booked me in for another scan in 2 weeks. I was so worried that I had miscarried and begged the nurse to book me in for a D&C as with my 1st loss the foetus came out in the bathroom and I was never able to deal with this. The DR reponse was the pregnancy may be viable and to wait the 2 week which gave me hope.
At the next appointment at 7 weeks I was told I had one sac divide into 2 one baby was fine but the other seemed to be failing they were twins. I had mixed emotions as one baby was dying another was perfectly healthy I had to prepare myself that I may end up having a miscarriage as the Dr explained the risks of multiple pregnancy. I was booked an appointment for 2 weeks time. So during my 7 week scan and my 9 week I find out my partner has been mailing and in contact with other women when I confront him he responds with "we have not had sex in ages" with my response being "I'm terrified that I am having another miscarriage and I can't have sex while I am in pain".
We row during these 2 weeks, my mind is confused, I'm scared, hurt by his behaviour, I scream at him maybe I should have a termination but never meant it.

He texted me the baby would be better off aborted

The following day as I am out he texts me to tell me the baby would be better off aborted, he doesn't want it. I'm in despair crying we talk over and over and I repeat I don't want a termination, and one minute he wants rid and the next he wants me to keep the baby. I get angry tell him this is not some stupid game and ask him why did he do this to me, email other women flirting like me and this baby meant nothing, like we was a stupid game. The day before my 9 week scan he asks if I am going and I ask him what do you want me to do and he replies with 'I want you to have an abortion', I felt devastated. The morning of the scan is here and I decide to go on my own worried and mixed emotions, I lie on the bed and close my eyes waiting for the bad news. The Dr congratulates me on having one very healthy baby, as I open my eyes and stare at the screen I am amazed after all the worry and stress, here I can see my baby and very lively moving the nurse points out the legs and the hands.

Seeing my baby and hearing the heart

After seeing my baby and hearing the heart I tell myself I am keeping this baby with or without my partners support. As I go to leave the room the Dr hands me a pic of the baby, I have tears in my eyes. I arrive home staring at the picture amazed by what I just experienced and in my head plan to meet the father and believe that him feeling neglected is my fault.
The phone starts to ring it's my good friend who asks me if I have been on a social networking site I say no, she says well the baby's father has added one of the girls back on to his list of friends, one that he had sent indecent messages too, I tell her all about the scan and cry my eyes out asking why is he doing this to me.

I feel worthless

The following morning I go to the hospital and he never shows up, I went to murder the baby that I so loved and wanted. I cried throughout my stay when on the operating bed as they administer the anaesthetic I want to scream and tell them no I changed my mind. It's too late I was a wimp I never fought to keep that beautiful growing life inside me. I left the clinic in a complete mess called a friend who collected me she was angry I went alone I tell her I thought he would be there for me I honestly did. The cramps are awful at this stage I sit on her sofa and rub my tummy and then it hits me I have murdered my baby for all the pain I had through losing 2 I go on to murder the next. I will never get to see their beautiful face, 1st smile, I never gave that baby a life it deserved I sided with the devil. It's a week now and I would have been 12 weeks pregnant today and my baby would have been fully developed and the way I feel I wish I died on that operating table. I just pray God is looking after my baby and I feel worthless and can't see how I can ever deserve happiness I just hope in time he forgives me and at some point in the future he will grant me happiness. I never knew the sex of the baby but in my heart it was a boy and I would have named him Aran he would have been due on 28/10/10 and I hope he knows mummy loves him very much and I would do anything to change what I did.

Editor's Comment

You have obviously been very hurt by this relationship and the fact that your boyfriend was lying and cheating on you. It sounds as though these feelings were very destructive and ultimately caused you to choose abortion, a choice you now deeply regret. Please call the national helpline for support 0300 4000 999, or follow the link to find a find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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