I have already told my story on here, but I quite often sit and read the stories of other people and it is comforting to know that I am not alone.
To even comtemplate having an abortion is a terrifying experience that I would wish on nobody. To actually go through with it, whatever procedure you have, it is emotionally and physically draining.
Whether you have been in a relationship or on your own when you've aborted your child, the pain isn't any greater or any less.
Every woman who has lost her child through abortion, is united by the pain of grief.
Knowing that you voluntarily gave up your child's chance to live is something that haunts you for the rest of your days. Knowing that you said "Yes" when you were asked and given the choice, is a memory you relive every single day for the rest of your life.
In my own experience, it has been over two years now since I aborted my child. And yet, I am haunted by the memory of that day every single day.
I relive the entire experience in my dreams and even in my day to day life.
Even when abortion is the only option, which sometimes it is, the pain afterwards is just as intense.
But when you weren't sure it was what you wanted, you felt pushed into it, or you were just so terrified, you did it to make the scary feelings go away - the guilt is horrendous. I always prided myself on never feeling guilty for anything because I have always been an honest person, but the guilt I feel weighing down on my shoulders ever since that day is unbearable at times.
I often wonder what my child would look like, when her birthday would have been, if her Daddy would have stayed, what my life would be like with her here. My heart aches for my baby, and I feel incomplete without her. I take great comfort in the thought that she is in heaven. But what's hard for me personally, is my baby died. She died. Regardless of the circumstances, there was still a life inside of me that died. And I have nothing, to show that she lived, that she existed for those few weeks. I have no grave to take flowers to, I have nothing to remind me of being pregnant. And each time the anniversary of the abortion comes around, I build it up so much and the day passes as normal because nobody knows the significance, nobody knows that two years ago on that day, my baby died. And I sit and acknowledge it in my own little ways.
I take comfort that the day I aborted my child, was the anniversary of my Grandfather's death, and I hope that when the baby died, he took her into his arms and took her up to heaven.
I wish that people could understand the pain that haunts you afterwards before they have an abortion. Because if you could understand how painful it is for me to write this, you wouldn't go through with an abortion. But to you it is just words I expect, only after your baby has gone, will you understand the significance of what I am saying. You feel guilty to miss your baby because you gave them up. You resent everyone who was in the clinic that day for not hearing your silent screams. You hate yourself for making the phone call. You can have counselling afterwards but it doesn't make it better, it just helps to unravel all the mush that is left inside your head afterwards.
I have even contemplated getting copies of my records from that day, in the hope that I will see a scan photograph. I have spoken to BPAS and they are happy to send them to me, but I stopped myself because I know this will tear me apart to see a grainy image of my baby.
If me writing this stops one person from having an abortion, I will have done my baby justice.
Remember, you are not alone, there is always someone who has been through what you are going through but abortion is just one of many options. Don't rush, take your time and read my words.
The pain and regret that you still feel is very evident in your story, and some of the reactions you describe are ones that women have written many times on this website. It is agonising to live with regrets and 'what if's' and it sounds as though you have struggled to forgive yourself for that decision which now seems so flawed. You say that you have had counselling which has helped you to gets things clearer in your head but obviously not helped the guilt and pain you still feel. I don't know if you have done The Journey programme, but I wonder if you need to revisit this to see if you can move on a bit further. Sometimes it is a process that happens little by little, and you gradually realise you are not in the same place you were a year ago. If a post abortion group is available it can often help to meet with others who have gone through the same thing and get strength and support from each other. Whatever happens don't settle in the pain you are in. I do believe there is a way to move beyond this. You will never forget, but you can move past the pain. If CareConfidential can help you with this process please contact us. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.