I had a medical termination but I would have loved to have my partner's baby

I had a medical termination a little while ago. My new partner and I already had three children from our previous relationship and I had suffered the loss of a child in infancy prior to the other children. I love my partner and more than anything in the world would have loved to have had his child. The pregnancy was a total shock as I was on the pill. My partner wanted the child and so did I though I was scared as I had had three C-sections and some medical problems. I was terrified that we wouldn't manage financially and that the other three children would suffer with less attention, less money and potentially my declined health.

A medical termination

I took the first tablet when I was 9 weeks 2 days and was given an anti-sickness tablet. I did experience nausea and a pressure in my vaginal area but no vomiting or spotting. I was advised that I would experience period-like pains and would pass clots but not see anything in all probabiility as the baby would be the size of my thumbnail.
When I went back for the 4 pessaries, I inserted them myself and it was only after this point that a nurse was kind and honest enough to warn me that the pains would be severe, like labour and I probably would see something.

Grateful to this site

By then it was too late - I am grateful to this site as I feel that the only reason I was prepared was from reading other people's accounts and it is for that reason I am giving my account too. In an hour and a half I was experiencing strong cramps that quickly progressed to labour-style contractions (I have laboured previously). I did not experience vomiting or diarrhoea, so I was lucky and able to concentrate on the pain only. Hot water bottles, breathing through the pain and not panicking helped. My partner was amazing. I had extremely painful contractions across my lower abdomen and back - my partner rubbed my back which helped initially as did the codeine at first. I did not bleed except for water initially then a few watery drips.
The pain progressed and after 5 hours I was finding it a little harder to deal with and was moaning in pain - this was involuntary to be honest and the painkillers weren't working at this point. It was bad but it wasn't worse than having a baby. I was not frightened that it was more than it should have been - it was what I expected taking into account what has to happen. The contractions became relentless and I was very tired. I did keep blacking out/falling asleep for a minute or two and I think I may have been a little delirious towards the end. 6 hours after I took the tablet, the pains stopped - leaving a period type cramp across my lower back. I was concerned at this point as I had passed no blood or clots and I had been advised I would. My partner phoned the helpline - they were very nice and explained that it might not have worked but that it might kick off again. I was very depressed and exhausted at this point.

Fully formed and totally recognisable

An hour later I went to the toilet, thinking I needed a wee. There was a pressure in my vagina and I needed to push. I grabbed a bowl as some blood poured out and I felt two clots slide out of me. I looked down, thinking it would be just clots and was heartbroken - stupid as I had taken the tablets but there was my baby with 10 perfect fingers and toes nearly two inches from head to toe. Fully formed and totally recognisable. I cried out and my partner ran in, saw and broke down.

I wish I could have had the beautiful baby

I feel tremendous guilt and I wish I could have had the beautiful baby but I still feel that would have been selfish on the existing children who already miss out on time and attention as we both have to work. We buried our baby in a little box at the grave of my baby son. People might think that that was wrong but they are both my children and I wanted them to be together and safe. I wanted to let other people know what the experience is like as I felt that the clinic was generally good, my experience is probably fairly textbook but I feel that women should be better prepared for the pain and what they will see. Then they may feel more in control and less frightened. I am sorry for anybody who is having to go through such a heartbreaking and difficult decision. I am sure I will never forget what I saw and how it broke my partner who desperately wanted me not to go ahead but was selfless and strong enough to support me and not force his opinion on me when he knew how much I was struggling to make the right decision for our family.

Editor's Comment

It was very sad to read your very painful account of a heartbreaking decision. You must have been so torn when you were trying to consider what was the best option for you and your family, and I don't think anything can prepare you for an experience like this.
You chose what felt like the rational decision, but your hearts have been broken by your loss and what might have been. Please do feel that you can use the service of Careconfidential to talk this through, or receive help and support if you need it. I am glad that the stories you read prepared you in some way for what you would face. Trained advisors are available on the helpline 0300 4000 999, or you can follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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