If I did not abort, my child would have been 5 years old

It's been a long time since my abortion. I'm 25 this year. If I did not abort, my child would have been 5 years old this month. I always believed I would have had a girl.
So, here's my story: In high school, I used to be very naive and innocent. I never understood sex jokes and I hated drugs and alcohol. I didn't understand why people needed these things to feel happy. I believed in love stories and happy romantic endings. I've found out now that my life was not written by Disney.

No way we could afford a child

Things drastically changed when I gave myself to my on-and-off boyfriend at the time. I loved him, and he told me he loved me too. I was 18, and I wanted him to be my first. After a year of ups and downs, I got pregnant by him. I took Plan B right after the incident, but sadly it was not effective. There was no way we could afford a child, and we were scared of even telling our parents, so we decided to abort the baby.
I still remember I cried silently beside him as I called the clinic to make the appointment. During the two week wait for the abortion, I was full of anger. I hated the fact that there was something growing inside of me. I remember hitting my stomach so hard that it hurt, but I hoped that it would create a miscarriage.

I fell into depression

Looking back now, I wish I could have just loved my child with the only two weeks I knew that she existed. Right after the abortion, I fell into depression. I was having intense suicidal thoughts. I wanted so bad to be reunited with my baby. In the end I did not act upon these thoughts, but I hated myself. I felt helpless and frustrated and every moment of every day I regretted my decision.
The father of the child had his own way of dealing with the abortion: he shut down and shut me out completely. I did not have anyone to turn to. I was completely ashamed to tell even my best girl friend, but honestly I did not think I deserved to even find help. Being in pain was my way of self-punishment. I don't even remember how many years I did this for, but every night it would take me more than an hour of crying before I could fall asleep.
A month after the abortion, the father and I had our last fall out and we didn't talk anymore.

My life went completely downhill from there

I was an emotional wreck, and I consoled myself with alcohol binging and random sex with guys. A couple of one night stands that I can't even remember. I was in and out of relationships and I felt nothing. I just hated myself and who I turned out to become. It was ironic that after everything I stood up for in high school, I needed the liquor to keep myself happy, or at least keep myself numb from thinking about my baby.
I began forgiving myself about a year ago, and during this time I only cried once a month.
I took a self-help course called Landmark, and it gave me insight on how to gain control over my life again, and to accept and let go of the decisions made in the past. I'm doing very well for myself now, I'm in professional school. I'm currently in a 2 year relationship with a great guy. He supports me with everything that I go through, and I love him very much.

Things are turning around for me

I have accepted the fact that I aborted my baby through my own decision. This control over my choice in the matter gave me strength. This month I did not even cry. However, when I realized that this month I did not cry, I felt so guilty, as if I was forgetting and abandoning my baby. I was so heartbroken that yesterday I was unable to get out of bed and I just cried continuously and uncontrollably for the entire day. I just could not stop the tears from flowing. I was so overwhelmed with thoughts of how my baby would look like. I don't know what could have triggered this, but I longed to see my baby smile and laugh and giggle, and I longed to just hold her tight in my arms and never let go.

I honestly still regret not having this child

I thought about how if I asked her how old she was, she would have lifted up her entire hand to show me all five of her fingers. As good of a decision it was so many years ago, I honestly still regret not having this child.
I ended up calling the father last night, we hadn't talked for over four years. We chatted for 3 hours, and he told me about how after we stopped talking, he went through two years of grieving on his own, where there was not a moment he did not think about me or our child. The fact that he thought about our baby somehow meant so much to me. It was a great chat. He told me he's now engaged to a wonderful girl. I'm happy for him.
It's taking a very long time to "get over" this abortion, and honestly I don't think I ever will. I will always think of my baby...I will always miss and love her. All I can do is wait for time to heal the sadness, and I will be left with only serene and happy thoughts about how I once had a beautiful daughter. Thanks for reading.
This story was sent in on 20/04/2010 and it's been viewed 1,104 times.

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