I tried to do the right thing for everyone but abortion wasn't necessarily the best course of action for me

From the moment I found out I was pregnant I loved my baby.

It was a shock as I had been using a contraceptive pill, but the warm feeling I got knowing that there was a small baby growing inside me was so lovely. But as soon as I started to tell my family and friends the only response I received was one of shock and they all thought that the only option available was abortion.

The hardest part was telling my boyfriend

He is 10 yrs older than me with a child from a previous marriage and from the start I knew that he didn't want any more children.

I told him after my 12 week scan in the hope that if he saw the picture he may change his mind and be excited about the baby too.

I was acting very naive and in hindsight I should have discussed the pregnancy with him much earlier.

His views were predictable, he thought we should go through with an abortion, trying to convince me that it wasn't a real baby just a bunch of cells. I tried to convince him otherwise but he refused to listen and I think that it was his way of coping better with the situation.

By the time the NHS abortion appointment came through I was 16 weeks

I had a definite bump and had increased two bra sizes.

I had been through my GP who had told me that the only option available to me was the surgical procedure and so I had mentally prepared myself for this, even though the thought of the procedure was more frightening than I can describe.

When I arrived at hospital though the nurse told me it was actually the medical procedure that was offered at my stage

This was a shock after the weeks of mental preparation. I decided to carry on with the abortion though.

The staff at the hospital were truely lovely.

I had the first pill monday afternoon and was given all the necessary information and told to come back wednesday morning.

As soon as I had taken the first pill my boyfriend started crying. I was just numb, I wasn't letting myself think.

Over the next day I had a few very mild cramps, nothing serious.

Wednesday morning came and we arrived at the hospital. I was allocated my own room and my boyfriend was allowed to stay throughout.

I had four pills inserted into my vagina and antibiotics inserted analy. This happened at around half eight in the morning.

Nothing seemed to happen for the first two hours, then the cramps started. They were much worse than the period pains I had been told to expect and the painkillers given to me did not help in the slightest.

These pains continued until about midday when my waters broke. Then the proper contractions started and I spent the next two hours in absolute agony until I finally received an injection of morphine.

I passed the baby around two in the afternoon by which point I was too spaced out on the drugs to really care

The loss of my baby didn't fully hit me until a few days later. I feel tremendous sadness and guilt that I have failed to protect my baby.

It has now been a week and two days since I lost my baby. I cry a lot. I found this site though and I am going to try the journey programme. I am hoping that it will help me come to terms with my grief. Writing this story will be my first step.

I tried to do the right thing and took the course of action that was best for everyone else and not necessarily the best course of action for me.

My boyfriend and I are trying to work things out but he says he feels too guilty to talk about the abortion with me yet. I have no one else I can discuss my feelings with which is why I turned to this site. It helps knowing I am not alone.

Editor's Comment

I hope that The Journey will help you to work through your sadness and grief.

A medical abortion at 16 weeks must have been very painful and distressing, and it sounds as though the reality of what has happened has hit both of you.

If you need any more help and support please get in touch with a centre near you.

This story was sent in on 14/04/2011 and it's been viewed 16,147 times.

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