My baby's father was my best friend.
I should've nurtured, protected, & loved my baby. I have nobody to blame but myself.But at the time, the choices presented to me were to terminate, or emigrate. We talked, & decided we should make a decision quickly so as to minimise the suffering of our child - neither of us had agreed with abortion until then. We decided, given the choices I had, to abort. My baby's father was busy at work in another country so it fell to me to book the appointments, make the arrangements, travel, & go through it all, alone. I asked if I could book the appointment a week or so later, when he was due to return, so he could come with me, but he said it was half-term & he had a pre-booked family holiday so he could not come with me anyway. I went to the room on the first appointment...it all felt clinical and surreal. I just recall feeling sick, & faint, & as if the room was spinning. I didn't want to go in. The feeling described by the others on their stories...that magic, of knowing your baby is inside you, of that special feeling of knowing a life is growing within you, wanting just a few more days with your child, the placing of hands over your tummy to try and make a feeble attempt at protecting, and of letting my baby know it was loved. It all feels so raw, 2 years on, but it also feels like a blur. I was taken from one room to another. Blood tests, blood pressure, counselling session, tears, wanting to scream and run away, but feeling like my heart and my legs were made of lead. And then I had the scan... I didn't want to go through with it by then, but it was too late. Tablets in hand, glass of water. Taken. That was it. Next appointment in 3 days time. When I came out I saw another girl, being held by her partner.
I have never felt so alone or heartbroken.Something inside me, quite literally, died that day, but a part if me died too. I went through the second appointment. I went through the horror, the pain, the trauma... My baby's father was on the end of a phone and was sympathetic for a few days. Then he refused to talk about it. When he got back home he saw me for an afternoon and gave me a hug. We remained together. The next time I tried to speak to him about it, he said to me "don't go there, I can't talk about it". I cried, but tried to get on with life - I knew I had made a huge mistake by then, & I realised that perhaps he didn't care about me as much as he said he did. 3 days after that conversation, I found out he had been with several other women - my own fault for being so stupid. He is now still with his wife and children. Needless to say, we have broken up. He has never spoken to me about my baby. **The only thing I regret is going against every instinct in me that told me to keep my child**...for trusting someone more than my own maternal instinct. It is easy for me to say that now, with hindsight. I will live with it for the rest of my life. To my baby, wherever you are, I love you & I am so so sorry..
Editor's CommentThis is a very sad story and easy to identify mistakes in hindsight. You were not to know that this man was dishonest and had other women. As I was reading your story I could see the discrepancies in his story. For example if he really wanted to leave his wife, she could not deny him access to his children. He would have had the right to spend an equal amount of time with them. In truth he was just making you feel sorry for his 'impossible' situation.
Now you have to find a way to put your life back together again and I would encourage you to have some post abortion counselling to look at some of the emotions that are still so raw. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.