At 17 I found out I was pregnant

At 17 I found out I was pregnant with my current boyfriend's baby, we had issues in our relationship mainly him having issues with his temper. He came from not a great family, his mum was 15 when she had him and his father left him when he was a baby, so I understood why he was like that. We fell in love pretty quickly, we wanted to get married once we turned 20 and start a family but after just 6 months of being together I was pregnant. He was with me when we took the test and to be honest our first reaction was happiness which I guess is wierd when you're only 17, but I have always looked after children and always wanted to be a mum and a wife I guess. Then reality kicked in, we went to talk to my older sister who had her 1st child when she was 18 and didn't have an abortion, so thought she would understand. However, we were wrong, she told me we would be bad parents and that the baby didn't exist, so she booked a gp appointment for me. She came with me in the gp and from the tears I couldn't speak so she spoke, and told them I wanted an abortion. I went for my scan on the 8th Sept and my boyfriend came with me again. I was crying and the dr and nurse were lovely they told me I didn't need to go through with it if I didn't want to. I explained that I had no choice and they were nice enough to let me have a copy of my 8 week scan. 2 weeks later my abortion date came, my sister and my mum came in the room with me and my boyfriend waited downstairs. He was so angry with me saying that I was picking my family over a family we could have, and that I was killing our baby. I knew all this, but my head and heart were split I didn't want my family to be disappointed in me. After the abortion my boyfriend stood by me, he looked after me and tried his best but the pain of me going against him was too much. We argued a lot and I became depressed from having an abortion that I still to this day do not know if I wanted to have.

We broke up and that was it

3 years later and I still hurt. Just writing part of my story makes me cry... sometimes we speak because no one else understands it it feels like it never happened, like it was all a nightmare, but for me it wasn't. We brought baby clothes, had names picked, I had a bump and everything we both already had created a bond the second we found out we were having a baby. I took that baby away from him and from me. I now work as a nursery teacher around children that would be the age of our baby and I wonder what our baby would look like. I work hard in life to try and do the best I can, but if I could go back to the 17 year old pregnant me. I think I would tell myself not to go through with it because 3 years later and **the pain just won't go**. At 17 I think 3 weeks between finding out we were pregnant to having my abortion just wasn't enough time for me to think it through properly. Some people just do it and they are fine, but I am not and it kills me that I did what I did. I know I would have been the best mum I could, and I'm sorry for doing what I did to my baby and going against my (now ex) boyfriend.

Editor's Comment

This is a very sad account and you were obviously torn between pleasing your family, and doing what you and your boyfriend really wanted to do. At 17 I can understand your need to listen to your family, and you probably felt that they knew best.
I think you could benefit from post abortion support, as the pain of this decision is still very raw and you are living with so much regret. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 16/02/2013 and it's been viewed 264 times.

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