A surgical abortion at 19 weeks and 6 days

I had a surgical abortion called Dilation and Evacuation on the 16th July 2013. Me and my boyfriend stupidly had unprotected drunken sex and sober the next day I decided to get myself to the clinic to take the morning after pill. When I took the pill I thought that's it I can't get pregnant and everything went back to normal, until I realised I still hadn't come on my period. I told my boyfriend who said "you're probably worrying about nothing but take a test if it puts your mind at ease." And when the 2 blue lines popped up on the test I was completely emotionless. I didn't know how to feel. Me and my boyfriend spoke about keeping it, but we're both only 18 we don't have a career, he works in a call centre while I care for my dad, we don't have our own home, no car, we couldn't give this baby anything so we decided abortion was the best bet.
As my Dad's carer it's hard for me to find time for myself, my Dad had just finished undergoing chemotherapy treatment when I found out I was pregnant and then disaster struck, my Dad was rushed into intensive care with pneumonia that the chemo had caused. The nurses had told my Mum they didn't know if he would make it through the night and my Mum stayed by his bedside. After that me being pregnant slipped my mind completely. I was more concerned about my Dad making it through the night. And he did, he stayed in intensive care for 9 days and then he finally came home, but when he did come home he needed my care. I couldn't leave him. I had to feed him, wash him, dress him, watch him sleep as I was so paranoid I might lose him. I didn't tell my parents about me being pregnant, we had too much on our plate, and I was scare it would finish my Dad off.

Then after a month I started being sick in the mornings, certain foods made me retch, smells made me gag and I felt constantly tired.
My boyfriend started pushing me into booking for an abortion.
Then I started growing a bump and I knew he was right, if I didn't do it soon it would be too late. My dad started getting better and my sister had a week off work so I decided it was then I would book it. Me and my boyfriend went to the local hospital and they took me for an ultrasound, I could see my baby on the screen. Wow. An actual baby. A part of me. I looked up to the ceiling to stop myself from crying. The nurse told me she would be right back she just had to check something.
I laid there and put my hands on my belly.

I never thought it would be so developed I thought it would be a bean.

An actual human, can I go through with this now? She came back into the room with a doctor, "we're sorry but we can't go through with this procedure we only go up to 12 weeks and you are 17." I was in shock. 17 weeks?!? They gave me a number to a clinic but said I would have to travel out of where I'm from to possibly London or Brighton for it to happen. I left the room and met my boyfriend in the waiting room, I told him what they had said and he just hugged me. "We're gonna get through this".

We went back to his house and I rang the number there and then with my boyfriend holding my hand. I got booked in for a consultation and then on 15th July me and my boyfriend travelled down to London for the abortion to happen the next day. I woke up feeling sick on the 16th but I didn't know if that was guilt or hunger as I wasn't allowed to eat or drink. We got a taxi to the clinic and booked ourselves in, at 20 past 9 I got called in to pick what I wanted to eat after my procedure, I was told what was going to happen to me, I was 19 weeks and 6 days at this point, and if I had any questions. I said no and the nurse said, ok then follow me. I couldn't believe it was happening so fast. I got led to a room and she told me to strip down completely naked and to put a hospital gown on. Then I got led to an operating table. I felt sick. I felt weak. I wanted to run straight out the room. I put my hand on my bump and felt my baby moving around. A doctor put a cannula into my hand while two nurses put my legs into stirrups, I'd never felt so exposed. I felt like a little girl again I wanted to burst into tears and have my mum by my side. All of a sudden I felt an instrument go up my and then widening of my vagina, it felt horrible. I burst into tears there and then. I don't know how long I was in there for, all I know is I was so glad it was over.
I got took upstairs into my own room and the nurse said I will be took down to theatre at 2. My boyfriend came into the room and we just sat there. No one said a thing. I had bad cramps and thought this is it, this is my baby dying, there's no turning back. At half one a nurse came into the room and said I was being took down, my boyfriend got up gave me a kiss and said he loves me and he's gonna be here when I get back. Then I got took down and I laid back on the table. A doctor started putting a substance into my cannula and my eyes started getting heavy. Next thing I know is I've woken up, bleeding, in pain, and baby less. I just burst into tears. I was surrounded by young girls who were crying as well. All these nurses must be judging us I thought. I bet they hate us.

I told my mum about my abortion when I got home. She cried and said she couldn't believe I went through this all without telling anyone. She thinks I'm amazing for putting my Dad first. She calls me brave. I call myself weak. Weak because I did love my baby. Weak because I selfishly took away his life. Weak because I now suffer depression, I can't eat without feeling guilty.

Why should I live life back to normal when I just took one away?

I've lost nearly a stone since, which now makes me 7 stone and it's causing concern for everyone, eating disorder they call it. I can't get intimate with my boyfriend. I'm so scared of getting pregnant again even though I've had the Mirena fitted. I think about my baby all the time. I wonder what he looks like. Or maybe it was a little girl?! Has he forgiven me? I doubt it, I can't even forgive myself. I can't look at other pregnant women now, I just feel guilt. I take out my depression on my family, say horrible things, and the only one that knows what I'm going through is my Mum. She's been my rock. Me and my boyfriend don't talk about it, we've just brushed it under the mat. I've named my baby as well, I have a gut instinct that he's a boy, so I've called him Kaydon. I've wrote him a letter to ask for forgiveness and that we will meet one day. I like to think my nan is looking after him in heaven. She loved babies. It will take time for me to get back to normal. I need to grieve for my baby. Because I got attached, I liked feeling his heartbeat and the little butterfly feelings I got when he moved about. I'm sorry I couldn't give him what he needed, this isn't something I will ever forget. It's a stepping stone in my life and I will overcome it.

Editor's Comment

You had a lot to deal with at home with you Dad being so ill. You had the crisis of discovering your pregnancy and that emergency contraception had failed, and then the crisis with your Dad getting pneumonia. It is understandable that you put your pregnancy on hold while you supported your Mum and Dad. Having an abortion so late in the pregnancy has made this more distressing as well as the ultrasound picture you probably hold in your mind.
Please contact CareConfidential if we can give you some more post abortion support. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 25/07/2013 and it's been viewed 647 times.

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