I am 22 and I had an abortion exactly one week ago

I am 22 and I had an abortion exactly one week ago and it was the biggest most difficult decision I have made. Now I am feeling the effects of choosing the wrong path. I have always said if I got pregnant I would never have an abortion, as I am christian but I guess when you're in the situation your outlook on things is totally different. I got pregnant by a split condom and failed morning after pill. What were the odds? and at the time I had been with my bf a month!I missed a period and began feeling paranoid, my boobs were sore so I decided to take a test. The test came back negative, so I assumed I was just late. A week later and still no period, I decided to take another one which came back positive, my face dropped, I never thought I would ever get pregnant as I was always so careful. I walked into the room and said to my bf it was positive and I don't want a baby. I told a few of my friends and my mum within the next couple of hours as I had no idea what I should do (one of my friend's is a mid-wife). My mum told me I should get rid of it and that she thought I was not mature enough to have a baby. My bf is 32 so there's quite a big age gap between us and has two young kids with his ex gf. They have only been apart for 6 months and he lives with his mum due to moving out of his and his gfs home, so my mum obviously brought up his situation and told me I should not go through with it. She also mentioned that I am still in education, live at home, and work part time. As the days went by I started becoming warm to the idea of having a child and my bf said he would support me. I decided to take the risk and I was happy. One night when I was with my bf, he was going to the gym and I said I would stay at his house and have a nap and by the time I woke up he would be home. He said he would be no longer than two hours and he left at 7.30, which meant he should of been home around 9.30. He didn't arrive home until 1am and was drunk. I started having a go at him and said that he hadn't texted me to tell me where he was and left me here worried. He was so drunk that he started shouting at me saying I was just like his ex and told me to get out of his house. I was speechless I told him I was not leaving at this time but he kept telling me to go. I started crying after I left and he ran after me persuading me to come back but I said no. The next day he apologised but my opinion about having a baby with him changed. The fact he could do that knowing I was pregnant was disgusting. My bf has post traumatic stress disorder from being in the army so he is emotionally unstable at times, which was another reason for having an abortion. I forgave him but I had doubts, I weighed up the pros and cons. There seemed to be a lot more cons than pros, so **I decided to do what I thought was the sensible option and have a termination, but now I hugely regret it.** I was sooooo happy that I was having a baby, for him to go and make me doubt him. How could I bring a child into the world when my bf is untrustworthy? The reason I agreed to it in the first place because he promised me everything, as I am not earning enough. He has already walked out on one family what makes me think I will be any different? I watched my mother bring us up alone and she was depressed, skint, and unhappy. I did not want to bring a child into an unstable environment. I also found out he had slept with his ex before he had slept with me which he lied about and I found out from his ex. We have sorted things out and I know he will change and I know he loves me and I love him, but I wish he had not planted that seed of doubt which turned into an obsession of doubt. All I want is a baby now, I regret having gone through with a termination I should have fought for my child and for my bf, but I was too quick to make a decision as I was already 7 weeks.

Editor's Comment

You often feel very vulnerable during pregnancy, and I can understand your reaction when your boyfriend came home so late and drunk. It made you unsure about whether you could really rely on him for support. It is hard to live with regret and I think you should consider some counselling to help you to understand what happened, and to be able to move on. It may help to have a counselling session with your boyfriend to work out some foundations in your relationship. for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 15/04/2014 and it's been viewed 59 times.

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