It was not a viable pregnancy - it was a blighted ovum where the foetus failed to develop

One Saturday I realized that my period was late, so I decided to stop and buy a home pregnancy test. I always bought these once a month because I was paranoid. I had never gotten a positive result until that day. I was in complete shock.

My boyfriend of 5½ years and myself had just begun to think about trying to get pregnant. We are financially stable, as we both have amazing jobs, own our home, and have an amazing relationship.

After I took the test and saw the positive result, I decided that the test must have been defective, therefore I decided to buy 4 more. All positive. After the initial shock wore off, I was completely over the moon excited.

But a few days after I took the test, I started getting a really bad feeling, as if something were wrong. I called the doctor, made an appointment for 3 weeks later.

He asked if I'd got my dates wrong

That day finally came, my first ultrasound, I dismissed my bad feeling as I was just worried and nervous as most pregnant women are. I went to the doctor who made me feel comfortable about everything, then came the ultrasound. An empty sac, he asked if maybe I had got my dates wrong which I hadn't, and he said I was measuring 4 weeks pregnant when I should have been 9-10 weeks.

I made an appointment to come back in a month, hoping I had just got my timing wrong.

2 weeks later I was bleeding heavily

Then about 2 weeks later I started bleeding, heavily. No clotting or cramping. I was at work standing talking to a co worker and I felt something like a pop and started bleeding heavily. I left work early to go home and get cleaned up to go to the emergency room.

I was there for about 8 hours that evening, they did blood tests and said my levels were great and decided to do an ultrasound just in case.

I felt relief at the ultrasound but a week later...

The ultrasound technician said I was measuring 6 weeks and I actually saw the baby this time. I felt so much relief. But then the next day I knew something was wrong...

I had the worst cramps of my life, I had even passed out, multiple times. I was told to just wait it out and see my doctor. And I did, a week later.

A non-viable pregnancy; a blighted ovum

This time there wasn't anything in the sac. He said it was not a viable pregnancy, a blighted ovum. Meaning the foetus failed to develop entirely.

He then sat my boyfriend and myself down and explained to us that it wasn't our fault and that we were young and healthy, he saw no reason for us not to be able to get pregnant again.

Options to complete the miscarriage

He then went over the options for completing the miscarriage. Naturally let it run its course, cytotec (the pill), or a D&C.

I decided that I wanted to do this at home in private. As it was a Thursday, and I had just started a new job at a different bank, a bigger and better one. I didn't want to take time off for a D&C.

I took the pill Friday night, October 16. Yes, I found out I miscarried on October 15, Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day.

I chose the pill

I took the Cytotec around 6 pm and about 15 minutes I had started cramping and bleeding more. I took no pain medication at all for this, it was terrible. My doctor said it should take about 13-16 hours for the Cytotec to begin it's process. Not for me, though. I had fallen asleep around 4, the pain had finally let up some. So I was able to get some rest.

Then by 6 in the morning, I woke up feeling the urge to push. I went to the bathroom and pushed the sac out. My doctor had said that I probably would have finished the miscarriage in the next week if I wouldn't have chosen the pill.

I went once a week for 6 weeks for ultrasounds, to make sure I had passed all of the tissue as I was bleeding still. I bled for 2 months and went for my last ultra sound on December 17.

I've never been so depressed and have lost all faith

This is the worse thing I have been through in my life. I've never been so depressed in my life. I didn't take a day off work to deal and cope with the loss of my pregnancy. I've completely lost all faith, I cry constantly.

It is January 6th, and within the last couple of days I've decided that I need help with my depression. We told no one that we were pregnant and we didn't tell anyone after I miscarried. I regret that because I feel alone, but I'm relieved at the same time because someone would have told me that it's not like I was pregnant for very long, or it's not like the baby ever really developed.

I'm going to see a therapist soon though as this is starting to affect my everyday life. I had a breakdown 3 nights ago. Holidays come and pass and I realize that I'm missing something.

I know that May 8th, the day after my birthday, my due date will be terrible. I've already requested that day off work as I know it will be one of the worse days of this whole experience.

For me, time doesn't make it better, it only makes it worse.