God forbid if I ever had to do that again - I'd definitely take the surgery

My story's a little strange, but I guess it would help me to share.

I'm an eighteen year old girl, I enjoy most things that an eighteen year old girl would! I fell in love with a boy when I was sixteen. We got together on my eighteenth birthday in March - it was special for me and it's crazy but my life felt secure. He was a virgin and it felt special to me because I wasn't and it was nice to be able to love someone and shower them with everything.

I took anti depressants, and I was aware these could make your period odd, and I know this may sound mental but I believed I was infertile. I remember wishing I could have some sort of sign that would show I was fertile, and a month later I got what I wished for, except it was more a tempt of fate... my period was late 2-3 weeks.

I waited and waited and still no sign - I booked myself in at the doctors to see the contraceptive nurse. My friend was coming with me.

I was pregnant, I booked in for an abortion

It didn't really worry me because I didn't believe I was pregnant, but sitting in the seat at the doctors - my nerves hit me. And I'll never forget being in the room and her telling me ‘this test is positive’ my heart just numbed, I was pregnant? I booked in for an abortion. There was no way this could happen, I was too young - my boyfriend was, just no way.

He told me I had to get rid of it

Not even adoption, that's crazy! I burst into tears as soon as I left the doctors, sleeping and waking up thinking I'm pregnant? My mum worked it out straight away, mums know everything! My boyfriend was comforting too - but he told me i had to get rid of it... I understood that, it must be scary.

Taking the pill at the abortion to cause the labour, must be the most heartbreaking thing I had to do. I couldn't smoke for the whole week of that abortion because I felt that it would be choking - it made me feel sorry for it, I would even cry that I had to kill it. I was eight weeks gone...

The abortion itself is a nasty, nasty experience

God forbid if I ever had to do that again - I'd definitely take the surgery straight in and out with a bit of bleeding! Unlike the medical, I was there six hours - lots of girls spewing, bleeding - it's not pleasent at all, its like a place of death. But there is free food and TV (on the NHS) a tablet up your bum and your front region to start off with!

The pain kicks in after an hour, that much pain it makes you throw up - lots of blood, clots etc .. But thanks god, I never passed it in hospital.

They sent me home, the pain was immense, pain killers did nothing, hot water bottle did nothing, hot bath did nothing. I don't even understand how anyone could go through childbirth!

I passed it into the toilet, I didn't see it, I didn't want to - but you can definitely feel it pass through you - it's like having a tampon drop out of you, the pain decreases a lot after that... the bleeding becomes lighter too.

I'm happy I got sent home, there's nothing better than the comfort of your own home is so true!

I'll never truly be over it

If I'd kept the baby - it would have been on benefits, and I don't want that! And I chose not to keep it, because it wouldn't have had the best life - but Im paying for it, one of those decisions where you will never truly know what is right - I always said I'd be ruthless if I had an abortion, because its not really alive, which it isn't! No sex to it, no nothing. However, when it's in you -

motherly instinct will kick in and your heart will break

So my message is, never ever get yourself in that position! It's not worth the heartache and trauma! And if you're unlucky too, then definitely go for the surgical option! xx

This story was sent in on 14/12/2010 and it's been viewed 850 times.

Editor's comment

This sounds like a painful decision for you and the unplanned pregnancy took you by surprise when you had told yourself you might not be able to have children. Although you seemed to take your decision quickly because of your age, you found it a very difficult experience and felt uncertain about whether it was the right choice for you.

I hope that the emotions you are going through will get easier with time, but for many women they need help to work through some of these painful feelings. If you would like some support please follow the link to find a centre for post-abortion help in your area.

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