You have to have an abortion because I'm not ready

I'm 18 and my partners 26 and this is my story.
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and everything was going well.
Late december 2008 I miscarried, I didn't know I was pregnant but just the thought of it hurt me so bad. My partner accused me of lying about it. I gave him proof but he didn't want to know. I don't know why I'm still with him now, must be because I love him.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN ABORTION BECAUSE i'M NOT READY

Things built up again and in January this year I found out I was pregnant again. I told his dad earlier in the day and I waited for him to come back from work so I could tell him the news.
we went upstairs and he was getting his things packed ready for the next day. I told him to sit down but he wouldn't, I was so scared not knowing how he would react but I eventually told him "I'm pregnant". He froze for 5 seconds and then said to me 'well you're gonna have to have an abortion because I'm not ready. I was heartbroken I wanted this baby more than anything in the world. He grabbed me by the chest and said if I even contemplated keeping the child he'd tell everyone it wasnt his. I made my appointment at the clinic when I was 8 weeks pregnant.
I didn't want to do it but he marched me up the clinic and made sure I went through with it.

He made me hold his cousin's newborn baby

Just thinking about it now I feel so weak at the knees I should have been stronger. Two days after having the procedure done he brought his cousin's newborn baby son and had me hold him. I've never cried so much in my entire life.
I've overdosed on codeine and paracetemol to try and cope with the pain, cutting myself to try and end it all. I hate bearing the thought that I did such a thing.
I don't sleep at night thinking about that innocent child. Please think it through carefully, if you don't feel comfortable with a decision speak up its your body and child. I just wish I had the courage to do the same x

Editor's Comment

The worst situation to be in is to do something against your will because you feel pressurised into it by someone who is perhaps bullying you or dominating you. There is help and support for this type of situation but you have to be brave enough to pick up the phone and ring for help. I am so sorry you have been through so much pain and turmoil. Please be brave now and ring for help and support. There are advisors who can support you through this crisis and help yopu to come out stronger and able to stand up for yourself. Ring 0300 4000 999 or find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

This story was sent in on 19/06/2010

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