I had an abortion at 9 weeks

By anonymous on 03/09/2010
I had an abortion at 9 weeks at the end of April this year (just before the May Bank Holiday). I have been grieving for my lost baby pretty much all the time and also even before the abortion.
I have wanted to get pregnant ever since I was 27, 14 years ago - I'm 41 now, but I was never in a conductive relationship to try to get pregnant. In early March this year I got together with someone I really liked and trusted and even though we were having sex using a condom, on 2 specific days we had unprotected sex, mainly because I had miscalculated my fertile days and thought we were safe as it was straight after my last period had ended.

I wanted a baby so much

At the same time I was thinking to myself that even if an accident were to happen (which I thought to be unlikely), it wouldn't be a problem anyway because I wanted a baby so much, and also with this specific person (although he had told me a few times that he didn't want a baby at this time of his life).
So when I was just 3 days late with my next period, I was already sensing I was pregnant. I did the home test and it was positive and I w as over the moon! I hadn't told him yet but I was so happy with this development that I didn't care what his reaction would be as I was so certain I wanted to keep it.
I thought he would get scared and perhaps disappear from my life, especially since it was so soon after we 'd got together (1 month in!), so I was preparing myself for that but my joy was greater than the fear of us no longer being together. Then when we next met up 2 days later and I finally plucked up the courage to tell him several hours into the meetup, he was shocked and started laughing at "how he is a master in complicating his life" and told me he didn't even know where he was with his ex! He had only split up a couple of months before we got together and even though at the time he appeared to be glad to be out of that relationship (of 7 years), he suddenly appeared to be still attached to her and even hopeful of getting back together with her. I was extremely disappointed and I had the saddest and most excruciating week (that was over Easter this year), where I had him confess to me that he was already planning to end what we had between us the very day I told him I was pregnant, and how he still loves his ex and how he doesn't love me, and how could he ever be with someone 10 years older than him (he had just turned 28).

I've got polycystic ovary syndrome

All this hurt a lot and I kept crying and saying that he had to choose between her and me and that he was welcome to go back to her but I was going to have the baby as I've always wanted it and I didn't even know I could ever get pregnant (I've got Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome and had been warned for years that I may have trouble conceiving) and I didn't know if I could ever get pregnant again and how for me it was a gift or winning the lottery and I didn't want to throw it away now. We spent that week apart but he kept ringing me or texting me either offering his support for me and the baby, and apologies for the stress he was causing me, or crying for having to tell his ex that "it was over" between them now and how he could never get back with her now what with my pregnancy. So I had to ask him for my sanity to never mention the ex again and said that I needed love and care and support.
This unfortunately prompted him to write a very blunt and extremely painful letter - not mentioning the ex but still saying that he had thought of splitting up with me al ready at the very start when he could see it was getting "serious", but he couldn't because he was too busy having "fantastic sex" and he didn't want ... to hurt me either, and that he does not love me and cannot love me, at least not the way I want, and "does he look like someone who wants to settle down at this point in his life?" and that it's still early enough for an abortion, but that if I decide to go ahead with the pregnancy he would be there for me and the baby however he can and how he wanted everything to be on "civilised" terms. That letter killed me, but still I spent at least 2 more weeks hoping that it was just his shock at suddenly facing the prospect of being a father.
Plus I had unfortunately my close friends constantly telling me that I should ignore him and have the baby and that I shouldn't dare have an abortion and that he ll come back to me if I leave him in peace for a while and that he ll get used to the idea etc etc. But in those same 2 weeks he disappeared from my life, so I realised that after the painful letter, to his mind he had put his cards on the table and he had washed his hands out of any responsibility or indeed a relationship with me. That was when I first started contemplating having an abortion.

I thought I would never have an abortion

Even though I thought I would NEVER EVER have an abortion, not unless I got raped, suddenly the thought of going through the pregnancy without his presence let alone support, and the thought that even if he was there for doctor's appointments or even the labour itself, he would not be there for us after the birth or during the child's life and he would just drop in and out of our lives to bring Xmas and Birthday presents, suddenly this thought was more unbearable than me never ever ever conceiving again and never becoming a mother, which I have craved for for so long (1,5 decades).
In fact, I used to be married and I left my husband and divorced him 3 years into the marriage because he was adamant he didn't want to have any children for at least 5 years (and he was getting mistrustful of me so he would gradually refuse me the sex too to make sure there was no "surprise pregnancy"!). In the 10 years I've left my husband, I have been in 2-3 relationships and never did I have unprotected sex. Even though I had been wanting a baby all this time, I wanted to have medical tests done on my partner before I try to conceive so I never tried or contemplated causing "a surprise pregnancy" to anyone. But with this guy, it was different.
Apart from us having 100 things in common, for the first time in my life, he was also "clean", as both he and his ex apparently entered that long relationship after doing all the STD tests and had been faithful to each other during that time too. So all this in combination with my miscalculation of my fertile days (and my deep wish to become a mother) had meant to me back then that there was no real risk in having unprotected sex with him, definitely not of an STD, but not even of a pregnancy. So finding out I was pregnant was a great surprise to me too, albeit a very welcome one! Given my age and my - for years already - ticking body clock, I thought that there would be no way in this world I would ever terminate this pregnancy! But ... ever since I told him the news and ever since I heard his reactions, everything changed: from his shock and disbelief (he made me do the test again in front of him), to despair and depression (for being stuck with me and a baby and not being able to get back with his ex - who by the way was the one who had ended their relationship, and I doubt that she wants him back), to his insolent request that I should have an abortion "for everybody's benefit" as he put it, and his hurtful comments about him not loving me, him not wanting someone that older, him only wanting me for sex, to his resignation and offer for (financial I assume and perhaps moral support during doctor's visits), all in one week, to his disappearance and seeming indifference about whether I was alive or dead the two weeks after. I was permanently crying and I was permanently depressed and I was very worried that not only was there no hope for us getting back together but there was even the danger that al l this stress and depression and despair would harm the baby's development and later health too.
So I was very worried about everything,

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