I was pregnant at 21 and could not afford a babyBy anonymous on 14/12/2010
Although there was no accurate way of knowing I was pregnant yet, something deep down inside of me just knew. I hadn't missed my period yet, however, I started feeling really sick every day, about one week before my period was due, I knew then something wasn't right.
The next week I was due on, and I started getting stomach cramps, so I felt quite relieved, however the cramps eased off and I found myself two days late...
I took a test not actually believing it would be positive...How wrong I was, there in front of me was a positive pregnancy test.. I didn't know what to do.. or how to feel I just stood there crying... I loved the idea of having a baby but I knew it wasn't the right time. I'm only 21, just finished university and I know me and my boyfriend couldn't afford it. I went to the doctors, and she confirmed I was pregnant.. I started having a sharp pain by my ovary, and I read on the internet about an ectopic pregnancy. I don't know if this was my own way of trying to deal with having an abortion by trying to convince myself that the baby wasn't going to live.. I was sent off to have a scan, and that's where it hit me there was a real living thing inside me, and since that day I tried to convince myself I'd be able to cope. I would work all hours in my retail job which I absolutely hated just to be able to manage.. I had just finished university, and my main goal in life was to have a career so my boyfriend knew deep down that it wasnt the right thing to do, and he saw how unhappy I was in my current retail job. Although he tried to be supportive I found his way of coping difficult to handle.. He told me he'd love to have the baby but he didn't want me to regret my decision, and not to be able to do all the things I'd planned..
I just took everything out on himWhen he said 'I don't know how we would cope, we don't live together and we don't have full time jobs', which was true ...I blamed him for why I was having an abortion, I think just to try and ease my guilt which I know is selfish....Although I knew it wasnt the right time, I knew my family would be ashamed and disappointed, and I wasn't positive I'd be able to look after the baby.
I just wanted there to be a way I could keep the baby.I then started to bleed, and I suddenly lost all pregnancy symptoms, however I think this was my way of trying to convince myself the baby was dead, just to mentally make it easier.
I went back to the doctor and said I was definitely going through with the abortion, and I went to the hospital again and they again confirmed there was a living baby inside of me, absolutely fine.. but my emotions were so mixed at this point