I think about the baby I destroyed every day

I think about the baby I destroyed everyday and it is killing me.
I had an abortion over 6 years ago when I was 22 yrs old. I wish everyday that I had been strong enough to say no and make my feelings known.
I had recently left my violent partner (the father of my eldest) and fled to a refuge. My son was 4 months old and unbeknown to me at the time I was undiagnosed bipolar and severely depressed, worsened by the disfunctional relationship I had left.
I was still breast feeding and was taking a progesterone pill. I started seeing an old friend who I had been romantically attached to in the past (he is now my husband). I fell pregnant after one night with him and I was thrown completely. I found out when I became ill 6 weeks later.
I discussed the pregnancy with my boyfriend and he was honest that he wasn't ready, especially with my eldest only 4 months old. I was in the process of trying to win my home back in court and living in a refuge.

A total mess. I went to ask for an abortion.

The whole process made me feel like the worst person on earth, the 'counselling' was 5 minutes with a dr who offered no advice or comfort just looked at me like dirt, as if I wasn't feeling disgusted enough at myself.
I had to wait until I was over 11 weeks gone before the day. 5 weeks of morning sickness a daily reminder of what I was going to do. I had to travel 3hrs to have the procedure as there was no way they could 'fit me in' at my nearest hospital. All the way I was screaming inside, dazed, confused autopilot.
On arrival I was inserted with a pessary and waited.

I was crying my eyes out as I was sedated

No-one asked if I wanted to stop, change my mind they just continued to inject me.
I couldn't get the word out, no.
When I finally came to, a nurse told me they had problems getting me to breathe, I was disappointed I woke, I didnt deserve to wake up.
To make things worse all the reasons I had given myself to terminate began to resolve after a few months. I got my home back and a new job to pay my mortgage. I began drinking every night and became out of control. On the surface I was a good mum and made sure my son was well looked after but when he would go to bed I would drink heavily and trawl the internet for some company. I got an implant fitted as contraception and used condoms but it didn't make my sleeping around right. I was desperate for attention and distraction.
My now husband got together again and several years later we were settled together and we had another son. I was finally diagnosed as depressed and bipolar when my youngest was 2. I now take medication and I am a lot better than I have been. But I still cannot shake these thoughts when I'm alone.

The heartache is horrendous.

Women who have an abortion are not evil heartless harlots. I mourn my baby but feel tremendous guilt that I am somehow not permitted as I created its demise. I dont know what to do. I feel guilty everytime I enjoy my children, like I dont deserve to, I lost that right when I destroyed their sibling. My heart is broken. I wish everyday I had said NO. I wish I could go back in time. I wish it so much.

Editor's Comment

I am so sorry you have suffered for so long with post abortion stress. You had the abortion at a time in your life when you were in a lot of turmoil, and had a young baby. It must have been hard to make a decision under such pressure, and easy to look back with sadness and regret now that your life is so much more stable. I do think you have the right to grieve for the baby that you lost, and to enjoy the children that you have. I'm sure you are a brilliant Mum and perhaps that is why the abortion was so hard for you. I would encourage you to seek help through post abortion counselling. There is a very good programme called 'The Journey' that could help you to work through your grief and regret and come to a place of peace and hope for the future. You can access this throlugh the national helpline 0300 4000 999, Online advisor, or a centre in your area.

This story was sent in on 15/01/2011

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