I think about the baby I destroyed every day
By anonymous on 15/01/2011I think about the baby I destroyed everyday and it is killing me.
I had an abortion over 6 years ago when I was 22 yrs old. I wish everyday that I had been strong enough to say no and make my feelings known.
I had recently left my violent partner (the father of my eldest) and fled to a refuge. My son was 4 months old and unbeknown to me at the time I was undiagnosed bipolar and severely depressed, worsened by the disfunctional relationship I had left.
I was still breast feeding and was taking a progesterone pill. I started seeing an old friend who I had been romantically attached to in the past (he is now my husband). I fell pregnant after one night with him and I was thrown completely. I found out when I became ill 6 weeks later.
I discussed the pregnancy with my boyfriend and he was honest that he wasn't ready, especially with my eldest only 4 months old. I was in the process of trying to win my home back in court and living in a refuge.
A total mess. I went to ask for an abortion.The whole process made me feel like the worst person on earth, the 'counselling' was 5 minutes with a dr who offered no advice or comfort just looked at me like dirt, as if I wasn't feeling disgusted enough at myself.
I had to wait until I was over 11 weeks gone before the day. 5 weeks of morning sickness a daily reminder of what I was going to do. I had to travel 3hrs to have the procedure as there was no way they could 'fit me in' at my nearest hospital. All the way I was screaming inside, dazed, confused autopilot.
On arrival I was inserted with a pessary and waited.
I was crying my eyes out as I was sedatedNo-one asked if I wanted to stop, change my mind they just continued to inject me.
I couldn't get the word out, no.
When I finally came to, a nurse told me they had problems getting me to breathe, I was disappointed I woke, I didnt deserve to wake up.
To make things worse all the reasons I had given myself to terminate began to resolve after a few months. I got my home back and a new job to pay my mortgage. I began drinking every night and became out of control. On the surface I was a good mum and made sure my son was well looked after but when he would go to bed I would drink heavily and trawl the internet for some company. I got an implant fitted as contraception and used condoms but it didn't make my sleeping around right. I was desperate for attention and distraction.
My now husband got together again and several years later we were settled together and we had another son. I was finally diagnosed as depressed and bipolar when my youngest was 2. I now take medication and I am a lot better than I have been. But I still cannot shake these thoughts when I'm alone.