The relief I felt after the abortion has been replaced by sadness and guilt.

I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after my boyfriend had moved away to Uni. We'd been together for 7 months and, although we hadn't broken up as such, we weren't together anymore either. Looking back, there were plenty of signs I was pregnant and deep down I think I knew, but at the time I put everything down to being upset about my boyfriend leaving. Even when my period was late, I just blamed the stress. By the time I was over a week late, I couldn't ignore it anymore and bought a pregnancy test. Even now I can't believe how calm I was. I didn't panic or cry like I'd always imagined. I just called my best friend who came over and seemed to be more alarmed than me!

There was never any question about what I should do; keeping the baby wasn't an option.

I went to the Dr's the next day and they referred me to the hospital. Throughout the process I was so calm and controlled. I'd told my two best friends and later my parents. Everyone seemed concerned about how well I seemed to be dealing with it.I just wanted everything to be over with. I decided not to tell my boyfriend..we weren't really talking at the time and it didn't seem fair to put him through everything when he'd only just moved away and had so much to deal with.

As soon as everything was over I regreted this decision, but by then it was too late.

Things got better between us soon afterwards but I had a constant guilt about not telling him, I knew I couldn't keep it secret forever but it just seemed too late to tell him now. 2 months on and the relief I felt after the abortion has been replaced by sadness and guilt. The 2 friends that got me through the experience have recently emigrated and my relationship with my boyfriend has completely broken down. This seems to have surfaced all of the feelings I didn't feel at the time. I wish I'd have dealt with everything properly as it was happening, then maybe I wouldn't be feeling like this now. I know I could never have gone through with the pregnancy but I wish I'd have given myself more time to think everything through, and talk to the people I needed to talk to, before I'd rushed into anything.

Editor's Comment

It often feels uncomfortable to be in a place of indecision and talking a crisis through. You feel as though you want to sort it out quickly and get rid of the problem. However, giving yourself time and space to think through all the options, and the consequences of each decision helps you to process all the information better and make a decision that you feel settled with. It may help you to process those feelings now and work through the sadness and guilt. There are advisors who are particularly trained in post abortion support, and will understand how you are feeling. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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