I was talked into abortion by my new boyfriend

It was the most beautiful day in March so hot and sunny.
I go back to that day everyday, wishing I had the strength to say 'no I want this baby, I don't care what I lose'.
I have been going through a real hard time at the moment. I split up from my partner of 14 years as I had met someone else. I have 2 boys with him and they are being blackmailed by my ex to say they want to live with him. I am going through court to keep my boys.
I am about to lose my home, everything.

When I found out I was pregnant by my new partner I could not have been happier.

I loved the baby as soon as I knew even before I did the test in fact, and grew a bond. My new boyfriend was not the lease bit happy but I hoped he would come round when he saw how happy I was, but to be honest it did happen at the worst possible time with everything going on. My children don't like my new boyfriend although they have not really met him and don't ever want to so I thought, and was very much talked into abortion by new boyfriend. I feel he used the fact that I would lose my children if I kept it to make me do it.

Now I just feel this horrible empty pain

I only told one friend and she thought it was for the best and implied that I should never have got pregnant and it's my own fault.
I was only 8 weeks but loved this baby more than anything maybe more then my other children at the moment. It is a very horrible thing to say and think but the way they are with me they hate me for leaving their dad but I never loved him and they don't understand.
I cry everyday I have got the scan picture and I carry it everywhere as I don't want to let go. Getting up in the morning knowing its gone is the hardest thing and knowing that I am about to lose everything else makes me so angry. I did it for nothing and now I am blaming and starting to hate my new boyfriend. I don't know how to carry on or if I even want to be with my boyfriend now I can't cope with what I have done can't even bear to see so many happy mums with babies. It is the worst thing I have ever done and worse feeling in the world that I chose this.

Editor's Comment

It is sad that you were under such pressure, and sounds as though you felt trapped. A new pregnancy on top of the break up of your relationship, and trying to help your boys through a difficult time must have been very stressful. On top of this you are faced with grieving for the baby you have lost so it is not surprising you feel overwhelmed. Please contact CareConfidential if you would like some more help and support. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 26/04/2012 and it's been viewed 475 times.

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