A medical abortion at 14 weeks 4 days

I had a lae medical abortion at 14+4 weeks in September 2012 (10 days ago) I'm 23, this is my stories which is sad, long, but positive.

I found out I was pregnant while alone with my 2 year old, the upset, shock and confusion was too much so I told my mum, as the baby's dad was at work , at this point I did not consider abortion, I then told my best friend that I was pregnant with his child, I felt so sick and horrid like I was taking his life from him. He was very supportive and we talked and ended up at a doctor's appointment talking about abortion.

I was told to come back in a week as I was too upset and not clear about what I want

We went back to the doctor's in a week and I was referred to the abortion unit at my local hospital. I had a scan and they told me I was already 9 weeks and 2 days , I was expecting to be about 4-5 weeks at this point, so now knowing that the early medical was not an option I left the abortion clinic in tears thinking that the only option was surgical abortion.
I'm needle phobic and anti abortion , so this was horrid I did not feel like I had a choice (keep the baby or abortion) I felt like I had 2 nightmares each worse than anything I could imagine.
I went back to the hospital for a surgical abortion at 11+5 weeks. They gave me a date on the following Saturday for the abortion, I was a mess. My best friend and I were falling apart -losing each other.
We started seeing a councellor together which real helped as we live together and were fighting all the time!
So Friday morning came - day before the surgical abortion - I started researching abortion on line - I found something on an nhs website that mentioned a late medical abortion !!!
I was shocked I told my best friend and we spent the whole day on the phone - we phoned every hospital /clinic in the UK! Until we found 2 that offer a late medical abortion in the UK, both 5 hours away from were we live ( they are bpas clinics one is Doncaster and one is Brighton) - by the time we found out about the clinics they were both shut... So Saturday came and we got up at 5am to go hospital for a surgical - in my head was I don't have to do this there is the other option- but I went and I stayed 3 hours , had the pills etc - but then in a real state I walked out and went home - my reasons for doing this were 3 things - 1 surgery- 2 needles - and the most important - humanity of the abortion - I feel a medical is far more respectful and human for the child I loved but did not intend to have.

I felt it only right to go through the labour - the pain

For it to be real and honest - the best it could ever be. Now at this point I was still in love with my unborn child - finding everyday hard to get out of bed and to look after my 2 year old - my best friend still by my side every step we booked a medical abortion (funded by nhs). We booked it and the earliest they could give me was the following Monday - I would be almost 15 weeks pregnant then!
It all started feeling very real and as we planned our hotel (4 doors away from the clinic) I started to think 'do I real want this?' - the truth is my head and heart was no!!!! I love my baby- but I still went.
5 hour drive and away from my baby girl for 3 days I was still a mess but had my best friend right beside me.
We went to the clinic on the Monday and they told me what to expect- take 2 tablets now , then come back in 24 hours and we will admit you - partner not allowed to be there then- I felt so unhappy about that and thought I couldn't do it without him , but he was in hotel few doors up from the clinic).
Next day I went back to the clinic and they admitted me on to the ward - there were about 8 girls there and we were all told to expect to be in all day and night maybe longer- I hated the thought of staying in over night ... So they put a cannula in my arm and then gave me pills internally and 2 painkillers (2 pm) I was lucky and had a room to my self - everyone else was sharing though.
At this point I had pains and felt sick , I walked to my room and text baby's dad , he came outside the window and talked to me but I had to go as was in too much pain, I went loo a few times and then laid in bed, I was freezing and felt sick , couldn't eat or drink couldn't get up. My friend sent in a hot water bottle and it was the best thing in the world!!! I lay there shaking and ill for sometime cramps were like labour at this point but I thought it was wishful thinking and it would carry on all night!
Nurse came in and gave me more pills(not painkillers ) !!!!! At 5:30 and I felt like I was going to pass out, then I half fell asleep and at 6:30. I felt huge pain and then felt a bubble - the waters- they had gone on the bed, I did not call nurse just felt the need to go to the loo. I sat on the loo with the bowl on it, and out came something huge.

I put my hand down to feel as the pain had gone- I felt tiny little feet

I stopped and just held on, started crying, I let go and picked up the bowl. I called the nurses who came in seconds, I then sat there in the loo screaming, saying I feel guilty and I hate myself. Knowing my baby was in the room but not breathing was heartbreaking and for that few minutes my life was over, the placenta was then delivered , I chose not to look at my baby - I wanted to but I knew that the image of my dead child would stay with me as a nightmare forever , and I felt like holding my baby's feet was enough. I phone my best friend and as soon as he realised it had happened he was outside my window - it was 7pm now and after maybe 20 mins of crying and guilt I was washed, dressed and wanting to go.
They told me I had to wait until 8:30 to make sure I was OK , 8:30 came and I left - I was me again, I wanted to go home and see my little girl but it was late and a 5 hour drive was not realistic , so instead we put on a film and lied in the hotel room I felt sick n numb , I fell asleep and by morning I was a new person I was me again, I actual felt happy , we left early n came home sense coming home we awe OK, I think about the child n iv made my own memories from it I don't have nightmares , and the 1st time iv cry'ed is when writing this , and only the part about the actual 30 mins when my baby was born - I will always love my baby , this baby was wanted and was loved but I was not reedy for the baby now and not with my bestrides, I told my self if my life changed positively then it is all OK and its worth it , and just 10 days later it has already made so many changes to me, I miss my bay that would have been due march and I will never forget you or your memories , but no one can ever tell me I did the wrong thing because what I have been through with this has been a nightmare and I can now begin dreaming of my future with my little girl ,

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