An unwanted abortion

I was 22 years old when I had an abortion 10 months ago.
I was in total shock when I found out I was pregnant. I had split up with the father just a couple of days before, he had 3 children already at the age of 30 and we split up after he showed his true colours.
Although I was infatuated by him, he was an awful person.
I told him a couple of days after finding out myself and he was really angry. My only way of calming him down at the time was to tell him I wasn't keeping it. *And once I said the words I couldn't take them back.* The same thing happened with my parents.

Everyone around me was telling me I had to get rid of it, now I hate that saying.

I grew so attached to my baby more than I could have ever imagined. I used to stroke my stomach and say I love you.
I had seen a scan and seen my baby's heartbeat, and cherish that moment.
The night before going into hospital I was totally numb and a zombie. I almost changed my mind once there, made a phone call to my ex to try and tell him. He shouted at me so much screaming are you trying to tell me you don't want to do it????
I was sobbing, and eventually put the phone down and walked like a zombie to go and do it.** As soon as I woke up I screamed, crying in uncontrollably that I wanted my baby back.**
I have since dreamt a lot that I said to the doctor as he was putting me to sleep 'please don't do this' and wonder if I really did say it.

I hated everyone I came into contact with since then.

But then put on a brave face and only cried when on my own. **I have never regreted something more in my whole life.**
I have cried so much I've been sick, been so angry I've scratched myself and bled without realising it, sat on my window sill and wanted to just let myself fall out.
I wanted to go and get pregnant again on the weeks after it, the thought definitely came to my mind, but I knew it wouldn't be the baby I no longer had and thankfully saw sense.

I was so alone afterwards.

Didn't have my family there for me at all, no man to hold me and be there. The crying, nightmares have got slightly better, but the hurt and regret never has.
*I would give anything to have my baby back and worry every day that I won't ever get pregnant again.* I can't talk to friends or anyone about it because I'm rubbish at it unless I'm writing it down..hence this.
I loved my baby more than anything I have ever loved. I even torture myself by looking at 8 week old foetuses online to see how developed it was...that is not normal and it makes me feel sick but I still do it.

I hope, one day I will be able to get over it and move on. I feel like I have ruined my life.

Because I don't talk about it enough freely I now can't stop and could go on forever but I know I can't!!
I can't change a thing now and I know that, but I cannot stop wishing I could
I feel jealousy of every pregnant woman I see, I get a sick feeling at every advert, poster, baby in the street. Listen to Ed Sheeran, Small Bump repeat. I can't see myself ever getting past that.
To the outside world people would think there was nothing wrong!! It's exhausting being this angry and regretful, coupled with not being able to sleep. I just hope that one day it all goes away and I get being me back again.

Editor's Comment

This sounds like a tragic story in which you felt pressurised by the aggressive reaction of your ex partner into having an abortion. Now you are isolated and unable to release your feelings by talking to anyone about how you are reacting. I would strongly encourage you to get some post abortion help and support through CareConfidential. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

This story was sent in on 08/10/2012

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