2 months ago I made a decision to have an abortion

I'm writing my story because 2 months ago I made a decision to have an abortion. My intentions weren't to get pregnant, I'm 21 and I wasn't in a relationship when I discovered I was pregnant, I was also on the contraceptive pill, (which I know is not 100% affective) but I never thought it would happen to me. I met this guy through my sister's boyfriend they played football together and I took a shine to him, when one night we did sleep together. I didn't hear from him after that. As time slowly moved on I started to get sore boobs but I just put it down to exercise making my body change, until one Sunday, I went out with my sisters and auntie, she leant across me and the soreness was unbearable it brought tears to my eyes. As my sister was driving me home I shared my thoughts on how painful they were, and both my sisters advised me to take a pregnancy test. I remember sitting in the car while my sisters ran in to get one thinking, 'I can't be pregnant, I'm on the pill and I've only slept with the guy once and there's only been him in the past 6 months'. My sisters drove me home, handed me the test and ushered me into the toilet.. The first test was inconclusive, so my sisters made me take the second one.. As I walked back out the toilet I handed them the test, and turned round to say nothing to worry about I'm not pregnant, when all of a sudden it flashed up with 3 weeks+, my heart sank. How could this be happening? What am I going to do? Me and my sister sat in dismay and made a decision I should tell the dad. My hands started to shake as I dialled his number.. The phone rang out.. No answer, so I text him asking him to call me... He replies asking me why. I told him I just needed to talk to him? Can't you tell me over text he replied? No it's very urgent I answered? Have I given you something? He asked.. I just blurted out I'M PREGNANT.. From the moment he found out he automatically said I need to start thinking about an abortion... How it would kill him if I kept.. I'm hurting him and the child if I bring the baby into this world..? But he never asked what I wanted? How I felt?

How could I abort something that was mine?

I kept asking myself? But my questions fell on deaf ears with him..? We agreed to meet and discuss the options.. His option was an abortion that was it.. he wouldn't acknowledge the baby if it was born? His parents would kill him? He would support me 110% through an abortion. I just sat and thought no matter how much I would of loved that precious baby.. It didn't deserve to be born into a situation where the dad believed he hated it? A couple of days passed and I booked myself a doctors appointment.. He said he would come but he didn't answer his phone..? I walked myself into the doctors appointment and uttered the word abortion. My doctor looked at me and said are you sure and I just nodded.

I slowly walked out of the clinic got in my car and began to cry..

Why have I done this to myself I kept asking?? I text the baby's father and explained that I would do what he wants. He was soo overjoyed.. His dirty secret was nearly over.. I had to wait two weeks for my abortion and my god the morning sickness was horrendous, but as the days were going by I felt more and more of a special bond. I knew he would never come round to keeping the child and after the upbringing I had with my parents I want my child to have everything with two parents.. I'm not saying one parent can't do it, I just want both parents in the child's life.. The more the abortion was getting closer the more he wanted to make sure I wasn't having second thoughts.. Keep me sweet saying the right things how he will be there to stop me from seeing the baby. Feb 06 2013 came abortion day, we agreed on going together but the morning of the abortion I received a text of him asking if he had to come.. I replied that the decision was his and the day was hard enough without begging him to come! He picked me up and I sat in silence the whole car journey, he made me feel physically sick because I knew deep down my decision was based all on him and his lies. We waited in the waiting room and I eventually got called in, had my scan which confirmed I was 7 weeks and 3 days...answered all the questions about why I didn't want to keep it, part of me wishes I had someone too support me and made me see sense of his lies.. The nurse told me I had to come back in a couple of hours to take my first pill.. 3.30pm he was too tired to come back with me so my sister agreed to come. 3.30 came and I got called in sat down confirmed my d.o.b and they handed me the first tablet and I was out within 5 mins and got asked to come back tomorrow at 2.30pm for my second course wow that didn't take long as I burst into tears with my sister.

Reality hit me what I had just done, I ended a precious life to save his..

2.30 came round so quickly he drove me back to the hospital to take my second course.. I remember just sitting in the waiting room with a toddler laughing and asking where his mummy was to his dad.. Tears rolling down my face there was no warmth from him., just stale and cold. I got called in, laid on the bed and they inserted the remaining tablets.. Tears rolling down my face this was it this was it all being confirmed, it was over.. As he drove me he we started arguing as he said he was going to see his friends as he needed to talk to them and went back on the promise he made me of not letting me see my own baby in a toilet.. He dropped me off and left me.. Lucky enough I have the most amazing sisters who came to my side instantly..

Seeing my baby was the most heartbreaking moment I have ever encountered..

My sisters ushered me out of the toilet and I collapsed in tears crying on my kitchen floor.. As the weeks passed I fell into a depression and tried to end my own life.. I believed the decision I made to prevent him getting hurt was wrong... I should of made my own decision.. But he had a very good poker face and I believed all his lies. I am all about pro choice and I believe sometimes people don't have any other option. Yes I had an option but you can be influenced into it. My baby's dad told me so many times he would curl up and die.. So instead of letting himself do that he let me? I'll always have regrets and what ifs.. But the more I dwell on what happened I won't wake up from the pain and guilt I feel.. **I would never have an abortion again, I felt like a part of me had died that day, and that I was in a shell looking out the window seeing dark clouds on a sunny day!!** It doesn't matter what age you are to bring up a child.. People think abortion is over and done with, but you have to deal with it!! I still have bad days and good days but they are getting easier, I had support from the dad for about 2 days, after the abortion he got what he wanted.. The tears have stopped and the anger but I have changed, also it's made me have a different view. I'll never forget it's just a shame he has.,,

Editor's Comment

Your story is very sad and you must have felt very pressurised to agree with what the baby's father wanted, rather than what you wanted. I can understand your feelings about wanting a father who would be there for his baby, even if you weren't together.
This experience has changed your life, and although you can't change the past, you can learn from it and change the way you now think. It sounds as though you have come through a time of grief, and things don't feel so raw. Post abortion counselling and support would help you to process some of your thoughts and emotions, so please contact CareConfidential for help. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 29/03/2013 and it's been viewed 273 times.

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