My boyfriend and Mum decided that abortion was the only option.
Falling pregnant was a complete shock, I'd been on the pill and taken it religiously, but somehow it failed to protect me. After a few tears my boyfriend and I went to our local Brook clinic and spoke to a lovely counselor who discussed different options available to us. She was very adamant that this was my decision and nobody elses, I think she could sense that my heart was not 100% sure.
Abortion is something that never even crossed my mind. I am definitely pro choice, and I think everyone is entitled to a choice over their own lives and bodies, but I never thought that I would ever have to put the term into practice.
After long talks with my boyfriend and Mum, they decided that abortion was the only option, something I never argued against.
I then went to the hospital to chat to a nurse about the different options and discovered I was 5 weeks 6 days. After LOTS of tears, I was sent away after being denied an abortion. My boyfriend and my mum managed to convince me to have a brave face and I went back a week later and was allowed to have a Surgical Abortion the following week.
Going into the hospital that day was the worst day of my whole entire life. I went with my mum, and after my nurse asked how I was I broke down in tears. The nurse was so lovely, talking me through the whole process, and making sure I was okay. I was then given antibiotics to prevent infections, then two tablets that dissolved under my tongue. There was no turning back after that.
I then waited for about 3 hours until it was my turn for theatre. I was in an absolute mess, mum had gone back to work hours ago and I was all alone. The doctors then gave me a sedation, and I woke up a few hours later, dazed, confused, and baby less. I was bleeding quite heavily, but I wasn't in pain. An hour or so later my boyfriend collected me, and we went home, and I returned to work a few days later.
Having an abortion that you don't want to have is honestly one of the most traumatizing experiences that you can go through. Every day since I've felt lost, alone, empty. Its awful seeing babies, bumps, buggies every where. Every little thing seems to set me off, I can be happy and smiling, then it takes a baby to cry in the distance and its like I've been shot. My boyfriend and I are still strong, but he struggles talking about it as he hates seeing me upset. Its a catch 22, if I bottle it up it upsets me, but if I talk about it I cry too!
I think the thing I'm struggling most with is that my wonderful cousin had a still born at 34 weeks earlier this year, and it was just horrendous. My mum keeps comparing my situation to hers, saying "mine isn't that bad" "it was my choice" "it wasn't a real baby", but to me, my baby was taken away from me just as hers was. I feel I'm not being able to grieve because my baby 'died on purpose'.
Sorry for rambling on, but what I'm trying to say is, if you have even the slightest doubt, no matter how small it is, DON'T DO IT. It is awful, and it will make you resent people that encourage you to do so. Make sure you have someone to support you, don't go it alone, and make sure you are 1000000% sure.
I really hope this empty feeling doesn't last forever, because I don't know how I'll cope.
Editor's CommentIt is a horrible position to be in where you feel confused and uncertain, and the people closest to you are persuading you to have an abortion. You probably felt pressurised at a time when you were very vulnerable. Sometimes it is easy to agree with abortion theoretically but you thought you would never have to make that decision personally.
It is still very raw for you and time may help you to process some of what you have been through.
However, often it really helps to do a post abortion support programme called The Journey which helps many women to work through emotions such as regret and sadness and find closure after an abortion. You will never forget it, but you can leave the pain behind. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.