A surgical abortion at 22 weeks

I am 19 and had an abortion 4 weeks ago. I found out quite late in my pregnancy that I was pregnant. I knew when I found out I was pregnant that I wasn't in a position to keep him. I'm a student and my partner is a student, financially we barely get by. So we felt that bringing a child into the world was the cruelest thing we could have done.
When I finally managed to get an appointment at my doctors they explained I had to ring a specialist abortion company which made the wait longer... at this time I had no idea how far along I was but assumed I was about 9 weeks max.
A week later my appointment came to see how far gone I was. I was so scared because I didn't want the feeling of having a scan to make me want to keep the baby.
I was told I was 21 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Shocked was an understatement for what I felt when they told me. I told them from the start of the appointment I wanted a termination. They supported me the whole time and went over the procedure with me and booked the termination. A week and 2 days later was the day of the termination. I had to travel 2 hours on a train to get there. so it was a very long day.
I was so nervous all night and all morning.
The start of the procedure made me so nervous. I had to lie on the bed and put my legs in rests. The doctor then put stuff inside to widen the cervix. It was the most painful thing I have ever had to do in my life, I cried the whole time because that was it... no turning back. After that was done I had to walk into a waiting room for a few minutes and then go into another room where I had to lie down on a bed. I was in so much pain, i tried so hard noT to have pain relief because I thought I could get through it myself. After 2 and a half hours my partner begged me to have some pain relief, so I did and it eased so much and made me feel really sleepy. After another 2 hours the next part of the procedure was here. I was helped down to the operating theatre where I had to lie down on other bed. Because of the pain I had and whatever happened in my cervix it made lying down on my back very painful with the weight of the baby pushing down and I begged the nurses to put me to sleep as soon as they could. 2 minutes later I was put to sleep.
The procedure was about 30 minutes long. I woke up and was very sore and fatigued, I just wanted to to go home. but I had to stay there until I was fit enough to go home. In a matter of minutes I felt so good. I was chatting to the nurses, laughing and joking with them. It was like nothing had happened. After I had something to eat and went to the toilet I got changed and went home, and had the best nights sleep that night. The day after I applied for a job and had an interview. I got the job and since then I've been working everyday all day. For 2 weeks after the termination I had the worst breast pain from when the milk was coming in. My breasts were just getting bigger and bigger. At one point I thought they were going to explode! they leaked a ridiculous amount. It was horrible. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't get comfortable in anyway! eventually it eased and my breasts shrunk. Other than the painful breasts I haven't been affected by the termination in anyway at all, until now.

Now I have an overwhelming feeling to look after and care for something. My body and hormones are now too overwhelming to handle and suppress away. The mothering instinct has now kicked in and I don't know what to do. I have nothing to look after at the moment as my partner is visiting his parents so I'm in the flat on my own.
Now I know I wouldn't be this bad if I let myself feel and grieve instead of trying to get on with life like nothing happened.
This is something I will never go through again. **If I fall pregnant again I will not have an abortion, because it's the worst thing I have ever done.** I do apologize for the length of this but this is the way I feel I can express what I'm going through and help me recover.

Editor's Comment

A delayed reaction like this is not unusual. I think when you found out about the pregnancy your head was ruling your reactions and you felt that because of your circumstances abortion was the best option. Now your heart has begun to surface and allow your feeling about the pregnancy to emerge. Having the termination as late as you did has made it harder to suppress your feelings.
I think it would help you to process some of these emotions and work through them. If you keep trying to suppress the feelings they will continue to fester under the surface. It takes courage to look back at what you have been through as this is often painful at the time, but better for you in the long term. If you would like some post abortion help and support it is available. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 31/07/2013 and it's been viewed 1,217 times.

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