I had an abortion 5 years ago

I had an abortion 5 years ago, I was 17 at the time, I was not in a relationship and part of me always believed I would never find myself in this type of situation. So here's how it all began. I was seeing someone and like most hoping it would go somewhere unfortunately it wasnt the case but then all of a sudden finding out your pregnant is probably the worst thing you want to ever hear when you know your not wanted by that person. I tried to ignore all the obvious symptoms but took a test the next day as I knew the symptoms were only going to become more and more frequent. So I took the test and it confirmed I was pregnant my mum by my side and looking back I can understand why she reacted in such horror. My family were drifting apart because some wanted me to keep the baby and others didn't feel it was the right choice, so it's not just you as an individual it has an impact on, it's also the people around you. Luckily I always had someone there to support me but for some there isn't any body..and I dare imagine what it would be like to have to go through it completely alone. I would recommend counselling and seeing your doctor should you be alone when making this decision. A few days past and I had to inform the father. I already knew what he would say so it was difficult but he had the right to know, so I told him and straight away he told me to abort the baby. At that moment in time I could have died, I never felt so much pain and anger all at the same time. I then had a scan at a clinic to confirm how many weeks I was and I was 2months and 4 days into the pregnancy. I broke down that day because that was when it really hit me this was actually happening to me. At that point I had to make a decision. I had so many people telling me to do different things I was so confused, but after much consideration I decided to have an abortion. I booked in at the hospital a week after the scan, I was feeling so many mixed emotions I wasn't even sure if it was what I wanted, but being so young you just don't see the impact it's going to have on you either way. So the day had come, I had been talking to my family constantly about what was for the best and having in the back of my mind that the father would not want me or the baby I guess it would have been selfish to keep the baby and be a single parent. I was sat on the bed waiting to be called and even at that point I couldn't feel what I wanted to feel because I was in such shock. My name was called and both me and my mum were crying, and I remember thinking to myself, 'just say no don't go through with it, its not too late', but I just knew I couldn't be alone. I laid on the bed with the doctors surrounding me telling me the procedure, I just hated myself so much. Before I knew it I was awake again, in a daze frozen with fear, I had no idea walking out that hospital that day how much my life would change. I suffered with depression for 4 years and still do now and again. I've never forgiven myself and still feel so much guilt and regret. Even though it may have been the best decision at the time it's never one you can accept, personally I don't think I'll ever truely come to terms with what I've done. I'm Okay with the father now. I see him around and although at the time I hated him, now I feel he had the right to not want a child at 17 too! and do believe that everything happens for a reason, we just weren't ment to be parents at that time. I don't agree that people should just have an abortion. It is a life and it should be respected and deserves a fair chance after all it is not the child's fault. I think you have to believe that you're doing what's best for you nobody else. Whoever disownes you isn't worth having in your life, you should get the support you deserve regardless of your decision. I have been a very weak person since the abortion but I hope when you read people's stories it gives you the strength to make the right choice and if you have already had an abortion it gives you the strength to carry on because you're not alone and you should not live your life worrying about what others think.

Editor's Comment

This was a very hard decision for you and clearly you struggled at the time with what was the right thing for you. It sounds as though your head was telling you you were too young, and you didn't want to be a single mother, while your heart was struggling to come to terms with the idea of abortion. When your head overules your heart, you can end up with painful emotions seeping out when they can't be suppressed any longer. I think it would help you to have some post abortion help and support, so that you can understand why you became depressed and work through these painful emotions. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 30/10/2013 and it's been viewed 239 times.

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