In September 2003, I made the biggest mistake I had made in my 34 years.

By anonymous on 31/08/2007
In September 2003, I made the biggest mistake I had made in my 34 years. After much debate with my husband, I decided (although at the time, I felt pushed) that having an abortion was my only option. The clinic was like a conveyor belt and I was told to stop crying as I was stressing my husband! Eighteen months later, I could hardly lift my head off the pillow. I was crying all the time, and my marriage was in shreds. I wished I was dead. I was so ashamed at what I had done; I felt everyone knew just by looking at me. Fortunately for me, I came across this website and contacted the helpline.

I was seen as an urgent case after a consultation with two qualified counsellors, who made me feel completely at ease. They recommended I had one to one counselling, known as "The Journey". It takes about ten weeks, and doesn't just cover your abortion. You learn so much about yourself. My counsellor was a lady in her 60's who held me when I cried and gradually helped me to come to terms with what I had done. The hurt will never completely subside, but with her help and support over time, the guilt and the self loathing began to subside. I still have regret as to my decision, especially as I've not been able to conceive since.

My counsellor suggested I choose a name for my baby and give it an identity, and possibly plant a tree or shrub to coincide with what would have been my baby's birthday. For me this really has helped although at the time I felt a little uncomfortable about it. It did seem to bring closure in a strange way. I can't explain how. September is here again, and now I feel I've recovered enough to put this into words. But I dread to think where I would be now if I hadn't made that first phone call. The people at CareConfidential really understood and helped. Thank you all at CareConfidential.

Editor’s note: Thank you for telling us your story and for saying how you have been helped. You seemed to have really withdrawn from life, suffering depression and feeling the need to hibernate. Well done for having the courage to pick up the phone. You have obviously worked hard to walk through the pain, rather than avoid it, and this has brought about healing for you. I know your story will encourage others to pick up the phone too.

Yes, September is here again and anniversaries may still be a time for tears, not of pain, but of remembrance. It’s a good sign that you wrote your story for others to read; it sounds as if you are more at peace with yourself now. Thank you for sharing your healing experience with us.

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