In June, just after my birthday, I found out I was pregnant. The father of the baby was a Bulgarian man and 15 years my senior, I am 20. At first he wanted me to get rid of my baby. I remember him throwing some water on the floor and yelling at me 'that's what you're killing, it's not even a human'. But after talking to his mother, he came round and we began to be happy about it.
My morning sickness hit me like a stone wall. I was throwing up all the time, in and out of hospital where the Bulgarian doctors version of treatment was sticking me on as many pills as possible and making me eat a diet of boiled potatoes and water. I remember going to a scan and my boyfriend was yelling and upsetting me so much I thought I would lose the baby. I remember him shouting in my face saying 'I'M NOT GOING TO LET SOME CRAWLER RUIN MY LIFE'. I came very close to packing my things and going home to England but he convinced me to stay and apologised promising he would take care of me and the baby.
I went back to England to see my family and get a bit better, Bulgarian food wasn't agreeing with me at all. When I was there he suddenly flipped again telling me how he was so angry at me and then broke up with me. The next day I offered to have a termination because the stress was too much but he again apologised, begged for me back and said he wouldn't feel right having an abortion after seeing the baby on the screen.
Another week went past and then I got a Skype call from him telling me he wanted an abortion. I was shocked, I argued and refused. he would go from one moment telling me to keep the baby, the next saying I'm allowed to keep the baby but he would never be there and then going back to saying I must have an abortion. Despite his toing and froing he constantly said I was 'twisting and turning' I hate those words. I ended up in hospital again and when I told him he just continued to yell at me, I had a show of blood and he continued to yell at me, I asked if I could bury my baby's remains if I went through with it and he laughed at me. This man was thousands of miles away and he was completely controlling my life.
I will never understand what compelled me to go back to Bulgaria, my dad begged me not to, but I thought I would just go and 'talk' to him about the situation. I will forever consider this the most stupid, irresponsible mistake I have ever made in my life.
My morning sickness had subsided a bit, I was back in Bulgaria for 10 minutes and I began throwing up again- why? because the moment I got back he began yelling at me, pressuring me. I remember him shouting right in my face 'YOU DESERVE A BEATING'. I became so sick that I had to demand he took me to the hospital. He was saying 'why can't you wait, you are having the procedure in a couple of days' he didn't understand that the way I was throwing up dehydration could have killed me in those days. He didn't care.
In the hospital I collapsed on the floor and had to be taken around in a wheelchair. When I was in the hospital bed attached to the IV, he came up to me held my hand and promised me that he loved me, he would look after me and cuddle me when I felt down and that we will have children some day in the future but the timing now wasn't right. So after one more attempt to try and get him to just let me go home to have the procedure, he screamed at me and I finally gave in.
I was crying on the day when I woke up, I was crying sitting in the car waiting. His mother came out to me, I thought she was going to save me from doing this but she said 'god be with you' and left. He warned me in the car ride there that I better not cry when I get there. I sat in the waiting room on my own, scratching a scar into my hand, the Doctor took me in, my boyfriend refused to come in with me and scanned me. Then they did something that I will never be able to forget, something which is tattooed on my mind, they showed me my baby on the screen.
At this point I was shaking and crying so hard that I was about to have a nervous breakdown, the doctors just looked at me like I was strange, counselling doesn't happen in Bulgaria. My boyfriend had to go back to get my passport so he left me there waiting in a hospital gown, I was still being sick and it was like I was waiting for my own execution. The terror got so bad at one point I got up, got dressed and went to check out of there. The nurses started yelling at me but another women in there who was having her baby checked sat me down and held my hand. They gave me a picture of my baby and I was sure I wasn't going to go through with it, then my boyfriend came back.
'WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A SCENE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMEN, IF YOU DON'T DO THIS YOU GO HOME WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT'. I was so sick I could barely walk, I couldn't contact my family and was terrified he was going to just dump me at the airport. So once again, in tears, I agreed to go through with it.
They took me through to the operating room, tied my legs up with rope, they were again yelling at me in Bulgarian but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I was shaking and crying so much that they had to hold me down and before I knew it I was out cold.
I woke up confused, they got me up from the table and I fell over in the middle of the floor with blood running down my legs. When I saw my boyfriend he was just standing there, smiling.
That was August 15th, the day after I flew back to England, three weeks after he broke up with me via facebook, two months after I made an attempt on my life.
I can't really describe how I feel now, I have blocked him in all forms of contact after he tried to contact me saying the abortion is all my fault and I owe him money for it, the reality was I lent him over £1000 for him to buy a truck and I am never getting it back. He has taken everything from me but not just me but he has taken away the chance for his mum to be a gran, for my dad to be a grandpa and all the rest of mine and his family members who were so happy. Now he is back being a snowboard instructor and enjoying life and has left me to pick up the pieces. His last words to me where 'get over it'.
I cry for my baby everyday and come his due date/ birthday I will buy a wreath and place it in the ocean and try not to mourn but celebrate the 12 short weeks he was with me. I take comfort in knowing that he is now safe in heaven where people like my ex cannot hurt him. My baby may not be here in body but he is with me as I carry him in my heart and no one can ever take that away from me.
This was an abusive relationship in which you were emotionally pressurised into having an abortion. Your ex boyfriend obviously had a strong influence over you, and you must have had strong feelings for him to have gone back to Bulgaria and tried to make it work. I am so sorry that you suffered so much in a strange country where the culture and language were so different. I think that you should have some post abortion counselling to try and work through the painful experience you had, and to help you to draw a line under it. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.