The only option I had was a termination
The process was long - taking around 5 weeks from my initial doctors appointment to getting the consultation at the hospital for the abortion. My initial appointment at the hospital was to discuss my options regarding medical and surgical procedures and a scan to determine how far along I am. 10 weeks and 5 days. Almost one quarter of the way through a full term pregnancy. The concept of having to go into theatre and under a general anaesthetic didn't appeal to me so I opted for a medical abortion. Which now, in hindsight was the wrong decision, I would strongly urge any woman that's considering abortion and has the decision between the two method to choose surgical.
I went to the hospital on the Sunday and was given an oral tablet - mifepristone which operates by blocking the hormone progesterone. I was told to expect mild cramping and slight bleeding - none of which I received. Two days later and since my pregnancy was too far advanced I had to go to the hospital and spend the entire day there so they could ensure that I passed the baby. In my convoluted head not once did I think I would see a baby foetus, maybe just some cells!
I was given my own room, which was beautiful, spacious, bright and had wonderful views of the surrounding countryside, surprising considering it was on the NHS. A nurse came in and inserted 4 tablets high into my vagina. I was told these tablets would soften the womb of my uterus and I should expect period like pains and bleeding. I was instructed to use a pan which would catch anything I passed each time I went to the toilet. Half an hour after the pills were inserted the pain began. Period like pains? I think not.
I can only describe the pains to be like severe contractionsHowever contractions have breaks and there were no breaks in the pain I was enduring. This was constant. Lying on the bed I couldn't get comfy, my friend came to support me since my partner was being completely unsupportive and needless to say we are no longer together.
I started being constantly sick and my friend got me a sick bowl. The pain was so intense I asked for pain relief, I wasn't able to keep these down. Sick again. My friend left after two or three hours, and came the time where I needed someone the most. The pain intensified. 6 hours this continued for. At this point still no blood had passed. 6.5 hours later lying in the hospital bed, I suddenly felt a rush of blood. I ran to the toilet leaving a trail of blood behind me. I was sat on the toilet at least an hour and a half. The bleeding was so intense. I was in so much pain I could barely even sit on the toilet. I had literally passed golf size blood clots and the worst of all a baby foetus.
I couldn't believe when I looked down and here was a small, developed baby.It had hands, feet, toes, a head. It was just like a real baby only a few inches long. I think I started having a panic attack on the toilet. I thought I was going to faint. Luckily there was a bidet beside me which I started being sick into. My pants were saturated and I was too embarrassed to call the nurses. I went and cleaned the blood of the floor, remembering that I was still heavily bleeding. And still being sick.
This is still really fresh for me, it happened a matter of days ago. Even though I did not want a baby, seeing what I did and being completely unprepared makes me regret the decision I had taken. Seeing my own baby, lying there in a pot of blood. How could I have done that?
The decision to have a medical abortion was the worst decision I have made. I wasn't prepared to see what I saw and I never thought that that would happen. I am finding it extremely difficult to get the image out of my head. It's an innocent little baby and basically I murdered it. That aside, the pain I endured that day was like nothing I have ever experience. My pain threshold is high but nothing could have prepared me for this. I would strongly urge any woman who is considering abortion to go for the surgical procedure!
Editor's CommentThis sounds a very traumatic and painful experience, and so hard to have been alone when the pain intensified and you passed the pregnancy. I would imagine that it is hard to get the image out of your head, and you may need some post abortion support to help you to process what you have been through. for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 06/03/2014