Both my daughter in law and my daughter have had terminations.
My daughter in law already had a son age two when she fell pregnant with my son’s child. She felt that she would not be able to cope with a second child at that time (5 years ago). It was very hard on my son as this would have been his first child. Between them, after lots of tears, they pulled through, and have gone on to have two much wanted children. I found it hard to forgive her at first. After all, I was losing a grandchild, but I realised that for her to make that decision must have been really difficult, knowing how much hurt it was going to cause. I care greatly for my daughter in law. She is a great mum and I know that she did what she did because she felt it was the right at the time.... but it does not stop me from grieving for my lost grandchild on what would have been their birth date.
In the case of my daughter, she had only been with her partner at the time for a few weeks. She was suffering from depression and the relationship broke down. It was then that she found that she was pregnant. She confided in me. I would have supported her whatever she decided. As it was, she felt that it would be unfair to the ex boyfriend to tell him that she was pregnant. So she decided that termination was the best option for her. He was not told anything at all. I went with her for all her appointments.... I felt I was sharing her pain,.... It’s still a very raw thing to deal with. Not a day goes by without a thought for our loss.... and it is a loss. Ok, some might say, ‘well, she had options’. Yes, we did.... but in true belief, she believed that her decision was the right one at the time. And it was. Its afterwards that you start thinking all over again, and that’s when the guilt starts...... but you have to remain positive. One day you will see your little angel again.
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story as a grandmother…you sound as if you are feeling some grief, loss, sadness and guilt on the anniversary of a due date, almost as if you are suffering with some post-termination stress symptoms yourself, saying that you think of the loss everyday. This is not unusual for someone who is so closely associated with someone else’s termination.
It sounds as if your heart is saying one thing to you and your head is saying something else about these two terminations . It seems you are finding it hard to reconcile your own loss as a grandmother with wanting to support and love your daughter and daughter in law, and you feel you have to keep pushing down those feelings of sadness and loss for their sakes. Your feelings are very real. Perhaps you only let them surface occasionally, and shed a tear or two for your ‘little angel’.
It might just do you some good to talk this through with someone who understands, perhaps on our helpline or on Online Advisor or at your nearest centre. Thank you for highlighting how difficult it can be when you are close to someone who has a termination.