I don't wish this upon anyone as IT IS the hardest thing

By anonymous on 22/11/2014
Never in a million years did I ever think I would face myself in this situation... I started dating an older guy who I fell in love with and gave him my virginity, I was absolutely head over heels for this guy and thought it was the same for him.
Months went by and then eventually he decided to break up with me for no reason which was bad enough and selfish. My emotions were everywhere I felt lost and worthless and kept replaying things in my head to try figure out where it went wrong.
Anyway a few weeks later, I had a serious car accident and after a few tests the doctors asked me whether I knew I was pregnant, my whole world collapsed.
I obviously didn't realise what was going on with my body because I was too busy caring about my selfish ex, which was really stupid of me but that's what love does to you I guess.
After finding out I called him but obviously he didn't respond because HE didn't want to hear what I had to say, which left me with no other option but to text him telling him 'I'm pregnant'. He responded and asked to meet the next day, which by the way was a very, 'yeah we need to get rid of it' conversation.
He kept asking to meet me throughout the process and would text me saying he was there, but really and truly emotionally and physically he wasn't there, and I was alone.
I couldn't tell anyone what I was going through which was the hardest thing I had to ever do in my entire life.
I was pregnant with a man I was in love with and really I began to fall in love with this human inside me. I couldn't help but imagine what it would look like, and everyone knows I love children and can't wait to have my own even though I'm only 21.
I knew I wasn't financially stable to have this child, but I couldn't help but to feel guilty and selfish. Every night I would hold my tummy and know I wasn't alone, I would tell my unborn child how much I loved it even though I knew I wouldn't meet it. My ex didn't realise how much I loved it, and every time I told him he would shrug and tell me it wasn't a life yet, but it was and I felt it there.. I remember begging him to be there for me because I didn't believe I was strong enough to overcome this alone. He kept reassuring me that he was going to be there, surprisingly he wasn't. Once I booked the clinic I told him the date and he told me he was coming.
That week he asked to meet me to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to come with me because he was getting sent to Switzerland for work. I was upset but I didn't want to seem selfish as work is important.

So I went through the process alone, terrified

Luckily I eventually told my best friend who was mad at me for not saying it any sooner, she and her boyfriend had fully supported me and gave me their bedroom to spend the weekend at theirs.
However, nobody would understand how selfish I felt, I saw my beautiful 12 week old baby's body there lifeless, the size of my hand and had tiny little fingers, my beautiful baby was there in front of me dead.
I swear to you I would never ever want anyone to go through what I did and face it the way I did, I collapsed not too long after, I wasn't emotionally strong to face everything. And by the way my baby's father obviously didn't care because he only sent one text asking how it went, not even a call, a text. What I fail to understand still is how someone can be so selfish? Especially at 32? He was careless as though I wasn't going through anything. Eventually I found out he lied to me and actually went to Switzerland with friends and not with work which made me realise I didn't need his support or false words any more and I should just face reality alone. This was the hardest things I had to do, facing the world like nothing happened and everything was normal when deep inside I knew I murdered my perfect baby. My child would not be able to grow up and see the beautiful world, go to school all because of me. My best friend knew what happened and had been concerned about me but I couldn't help but put on a false smile and just act like nothing happened and I was ok but really and truly I wasn't, and you know what I'm still not ok but I don't want her to know that or anyone personally. My friends knew something was wrong with me but obviously I just kept making it seem like it was all in their head, but I knew they was right.
After everything I started going out to make myself feel better and keep myself busy but every time I had/have time alone I break down because reality hits me and I remember what I'm trying to run away from. Nothing I do or say can change what has happened and can make me feel any better. However, it is hard hiding how I really feel and forcing myself to act like everything is ok. My whole world has changed and no matter what I do I will remember my beautiful child. I've been selfish and stopped a life for my own self. I do hope time heals me and makes this a lot easier for me mentally and emotionally. I don't wish this upon anyone as IT IS the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. I hope that I can one day be honest with everyone around me, and cry my soul out rather than front and act like my life is perfect.

Editor's Comment

Your story is very painful to read, and very hard to be so let down by a man you fell in love with and still had strong feelings for. When a baby is conceived in a loving relationship, it is not surprising that you had strong maternal feelings for your baby, even if the relationship had finished
I feel that although one or two close friends know what happened to you, you are very isolated and alone in your sadness and grief. Time will help to dull some of the emotional pain, but I wonder if you would be helped by post abortion counselling. This would help you to process some of these thoughts and emotions and hopefully move on from this devastating experience.
Help is available, for post abortion support., or call the helpline to look for post abortion support practitioners in your area.

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