I never want to go through another abortion again.

I took a pregnancy test about a week after I missed my period and had started experiencing unusual symptoms such as increased vaginal discharge and lower abdominal cramping. I nearly fainted when I saw it was positive. I took another one the next day and it immediately came back positive, which doubly confirmed my fears. I had never been pregnant before and I felt scared, confused and didn't know what to do. Part of me was a little excited that a life was growing in me but I was scared. I'm 27 years old and had only been seeing my partner for a little over two months. I'm not financially stable although I have an ok government job and I still had plans of travelling the world and I know I couldn't do that with a baby. I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood to confirm the pregnancy and discuss my options. I never told anyone, including the father, about the pregnancy or the medical abortion, which I would advise against. This decision to keep this to myself meant I would feel very alone through the whole process. Reading other women's stories did help me feel less alone. When I went to my appointment they confirmed I was almost 6 weeks pregnant. I spoke with a counsellor who didn't really make me feel sure of my decision and I felt so confused. The only options were abortion or adoption as there is no way I could be a mom at this stage in my life and I know I couldn't afford daycare and my partner isn't financially stable either. We are both still working on being the best people we can be be. The counsellor gave me a bunch of brochures on abortion options, medical abortion and adoption. I decided to make my appointment for a medical abortion for the following week and if I changed my mind I would let them know. While I waited for the next week for my appointment I started experiencing morning sickness, which really is all day sickness. I felt nauseated all the time but I was also always hungry. I was sensitive to smells, felt breast tenderness, and was really bloated where it looked like I put on weight. I didn't feel like myself, it felt like my body was being taken over. I felt tired every night and I lost interest in sex. I felt like my partner noticed my lack of interest and it hurt since sex for us was about connection and bonding. By the time my appointment came I knew medical abortion was the right decision. I knew adoption would cause a larger sense of loss even if I was involved in the child's life and choosing to parent would cause a lot of regret and resentment. A medical abortion was the best option. It was difficult and I would never go through it again but it was the best option at this point. I opted for the medical abortion over surgical because it felt more natural like a miscarriage, it was private, and I didn't have to deal with protesters outside the clinic where they perform surgical abortions. The appointment started with a vaginal ultrasound. The technician asked if I would like to see the ultrasound and I said yes. I could see the gestational sac but the embryo was too small for me to see, which made it easier for me to move forward with my decision.
Next I met with another counsellor who explained how the abortion pill worked. She was really nice and explained everything about the process which made me feel a little better. Next I met with a doctor who gave me an antibiotic and the first dose of the pill. She said I could take the next 4 pills in the next 24-48 hours. I felt my nausea got worse after I took the first pill and I also experienced some cramping, which was uncomfortable but not painful. I took the second dose of pills almost 48 hours later. I left work early and had the house to myself. I had taken a vicodin beforehand. I put the pills in my mouth and let them dissolve. About 30 minutes later they started to work. I experienced some of the most painful cramps (I imagine similar to pregnancy contractions) and was sweating bullets. I also started vomiting and was crying out in pain. I went to take another vicodin and I ended up throwing it up. I had about 30-45 minutes of pretty severe pain. Once I started passing clots and blood I started to feel better.
Over the next couple of hours the cramps would come in waves. These cramps were not as painful as when I first started and they felt more like menstrual cramps. I passed some blood and tissue and clots. I never saw anything resembling an embryo. I've heard if you're 5-7 weeks you probably won't see anything. If you are 8-9 weeks you might see something resembling an embryo. The rest of the evening I got real tired and took some aleve. I wore a pad and bled like a period. The next morning I woke up feeling relief. I felt back to normal. I lost the pregnancy bloat and the breast tenderness and I didn't wake up with nausea and my sex drive is getting back to where it was before I got pregnant.
I never want to go through another abortion again. I plan on being smarter with taking my birth control consistently. Having a baby is not something to take lightly. I want to be a mom someday, but I want the child to feel like a gift and not a burden. It's not fair to the baby and I learned that I am not ready for that responsibility.

Editor's Comment

It is certainly good to reflect on what you have been through and make decisions that will protect you from facing an experience like this again. It is hard in a new relationship to be faced with an unintended pregnancy, when you have not really got to know each other yet. I hope you will look for post abortion support if you need it, as doing this alone must have made you feel very isolated.