I had a medical abortion and absolutely regret it.

By anonymous on 02/02/2015
My boyfriend of 5 years and I found ourselves pregnant just last week. We had a close friend who had to have a medical abortion twice, so I knew that was an option. I desperately wanted to avoid having any kind of surgical procedure done due to fear of not being able to have children in the future, as well as the fear of dead-baby nightmares that I was sure to have for the rest of my life. When I found out, I wasn't at all shocked and not even worried. A part of me wanted to keep our baby, but the logical part won me over: we are in our mid-20s', we are in the processing of moving up-state, I'm almost done with university, my career is flourishing and we have plans to open our own business... How would a baby fit into all of that NOW? I was given the first pill at the clinic at around 11am on a Friday. I was sent home with prescriptions for anti-nausea medication, tylenol w/ codeine, and another in case I have "very heavy bleeding" (what's very heavy...?) This pill gave me mild cramps, kind of like the ones you get right before your period comes. I was told by a nurse to take 3 advil prior to taking the 4 mifepristone pills, which were supposed to dissolve in my mouth over a period of half an hour 48 hours after my initial visit. I was told not to fill any of the prescriptions until I was sure I needed them. I can tell you right now that had I waited until I felt pain, or nausea, or was bleeding my life away to have the prescriptions filled, I likely would not have made it through the day. I placed the 4 mifepristone pills in my mouth at 10:40am after taking one painkiller and one anti-nausea pill. Within 20 minutes, with the majority of the pills still undissolved, I was in the worst pain in my entire life. There was no comfortable position and I couldn't stop moving. If my boyfriend tried to caress me, I screamed in agony. I was shaking, sweating, cold, pale, and vomiting uncontrollably. Our bedroom looked like the scene from "the Exorcist". Somehow I managed to ask my boyfriend to call the doctor, who had told us to call if there was any kind of emergency. I must've looked horrible because my boyfriend kept asking if he should call 911 instead. Upon consulting the doctor, he was told this was FINE. This was NORMAL. The pamphlet and nurses explain that some women feel regular period pains, while others feel a little more intense period pain. Nobody told me I would be wishing my death come early as a means to end the pain. How on earth could these nurses have recommended ADVIL for this kind of pain?! Needless to say, I doubled up on the pain-killers, taking 2 every 2 1/2-3 hours instead of 1 every 4-5 hours. About an hour after the initial drop of the last pills, I felt a numbing sensation over my body (due to the pain killers, I'm sure) and I thought everything was normal. That was, until, I felt the warm blood filling my sanitary pad and overflowing almost instantly. Now, they don't explain to you that this isn't like a heavy period. The blood is not thick like your period would be. It is thin, and it doesn't drip-- it POURS. Imagine the scene with the knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, how the thin, bright red blood just spews out as his limbs are cut off. I sat in the bathtub, crying, with water running over me for a good half hour. I also vomited several times at this point. I couldn't stand up, and I couldn't concentrate on anything else enough to take the anti-nausea medication or another pain killer. I forced myself to rinse off, put on a pad, and go back to bed with encouragement from my loving boyfriend. Once I was back in bed, he brought me hot sheets from the dryer (we don't have a heating pad but I would really recommend one, it really helps). Laying belly-down on the hot sheets helped a lot with the pain (a lot considering the amount of pain-- it was still very painful so don't expect it to numb much) but it didn't help with the fever that kept coming and going. By 4pm I was okay enough to sit up in bed and bear the sounds of a tv show. I still couldn't pet the dog or touch my boyfriend without my skin crawling. There were 20 minute periods without any pain that made me forget any of this was even happening, then another 30-45 minutes of agony that seemed to last forever. By the end of it, I was sobbing. I felt, and still feel, like it was all a mistake. As I saw the chunks of tissue drop out of me, I became more and more saddened-- I knew it wasn't the right time for a child, but you know what? It was mine and now it is gone. And I am suffering because of it. I know it was just a dime-sized little sac at the point of my abortion, but I hate to say that I am going to be haunted by this for the rest of my life. I wish I never had the abortion. The physical and emotional toll that it took on me did everything I thought having a child would have-- I had no energy to go to class, I lost motivation in my career, and all I could think about was that if I became pregnant again, whether it was tomorrow or in a year, I would keep my child. Because at least, after all of that pain, I would have had a baby. And while it may have been difficult, I know it would have been worth it for me in the end. My advice is to listen to your heart.

Editor's Comment

This sounds a very painful and frightening experience, and you were not prepared very well with a clear explanation of possible pain and blood loss to expect. A medical abortion that takes place at home does not have the facility for stronger pain relief, or for reassurance from health care professionals.
I would encourage you to find some post abortion counselling so that you can process some of these painful emotions, and mental pictures you have been left with.

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