I had a medical abortion eleven weeks ago when I was seven weeks pregnant.
I have two older children aged sixteen and fourteen years. It took me over four months to get pregnant with them so to conceive so quickly, I was in shock. I thought I was ready for the menopause. All I could selfishly think about was how it would inconvenience me having to go back to baby bottles, prams, sleepless nights, childminders and my freedom to go out whenever and wherever I wanted. And I am working longer hours now.
I just felt I had done my bit. My husband and I never went out much when our two were young and we didn’t have the money. I thought this was our time now to enjoy life. My husband has been brilliant - never pressured me at all. My baby would have been due 7th July. Painfully, this is also my daughter’s birthday and my son’s is 9th July. A few years ago, I would have loved to have had three children, able to do it one more time, as we were in a better circumstances financially.
It was a battle of the head and heart and even up to the point where I went for the first stage of the abortion, I didn’t think I would ever go through with it. I thought my heart would be stronger and that I would back out. I was crying and went away for a bit to think before I took that tablet, but I knew I had done nothing but think about it for the last four weeks. It was the "sensible choice". I regrettably took that tablet.
The next day I was in tears. I rushed to the clinic to see if there was any way I could reverse what I had done if the baby would still be ok, but was told the foetus would be dead now and I had to continue. The actual abortion was terrible. The amount of blood I lost was frightening - bowlfuls of clots each time. Thankfully my husband was there to help me and he saw the actual foetus. We gave it a burial put it in a special box with a tiny teddy.
I found this web site when I was pregnant. I read all those heart wrenching letters saying exactly what I am feeling now. Why didn’t I listen to those women who had experienced this pain? I feel like I am a changed person. I don’t think I will ever be the same again. I feel like I have had my heart ripped out. It hurts so much to think about what I have done. I didn’t know how I was going to feel after. I do know I have not felt one bit of relief since, just regret.
Eight weeks after I still hadn’t had a period so I did another two tests which came out positive. I was hoping with all my heart that I could miraculously still be pregnant, but went to the clinic a week later only to be told I was not. It was just the remaining hormones in my system. And I know now that I can never have any more children because my husband has now had a vasectomy in January, which is what we had planned to do before I knew I was pregnant. But I have been trying desperately to have sex in the hope of the slightest chance the vasectomy might not have worked.
I know deep down this will never happen and that I have just got to accept the situation and deal with the decision I have made. It’s just that these feelings seem to be taking over my life. I think of nothing else from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed. I find it hard to look at pregnant women, mums with buggies or anything on the TV to do with pregnancy, because it hurts so much. It has helped to read other peoples experiences, to know I am not alone and that I am not the only one to have made such a painful decision. I just hope my baby can forgive me.
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…You sound as if you are suffering with many emotions right now – grief, sadness, regret, guilt. Your emotions are all on the surface and it’s good that you have not pushed them down and hidden them away. It’s true that nothing can change what’s happened but what can change over time is how you relate to this loss and pain.
Please don’t try to cope with this alone. There is support for you at your nearest centre, where you will be met with kindness and compassion, as well as the opportunity to work through ‘The Journey’, a sensitive recovery programme. If you need to pluck up courage first, ring the helpline and talk with someone initially about it or use Online Advisor.
You can come through this without feeling that you will have to pay for it for the rest of your life or stop being who you are as a wife to your husband and mother to the two children you have. There is healing and hope for you. We'll be thinking of you.