Hi, my name is A and just over a year ago I had a medical abortion. I was 21.
Over a period of a week and a half I became very complacent about remembering to take my pills. I only took four of my pills over this ten day period. As I said, I’m not saying this is an acceptable excuse but I had so much going on in my life at that point, I was literally only taking my pill when I could remember, plus I had started a course of antibiotics which also made the pill less effective and I became pregnant straight away.
The pregnancy was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was very very poorly with nausea and dizziness and, above all, I didn’t know what I was going to do. The father was telling me to keep it but I don’t know how he expected me to after the way he had been treating me. I wasn’t sure why he expected me to stay with him anyway. Plus I was at university, had very little money, certainly no savings. I felt a complete failure. I’d always done so well at school, sixth form and now university. I had my life planned really, and couldn’t believe I’d let myself get into this situation. I certainly wasn’t ready for a baby. There was no way I could provide for it or bring it up properly and I knew I would probably end up resenting it because it would be turning my life upside down. I certainly wasn’t going to stay with the father.
So, in general, the outlook for the life of my unborn baby was looking very bleak. Six weeks into my pregnancy, I finally told my parents (after practically living round my boyfriend’s house so that my parents didn’t become suspicious because I was always so ill). They were fantastic but my dad cried, his little girl was pregnant. I broke my dad’s heart and I will never forgive myself for that. I felt I’d let them down.
They told me to make my own choice but deep down they were thinking the same as me, abortion. It wasn’t fair to bring a child into this world who wouldn’t be wanted. It took three weeks to arrange an abortion, so at nine weeks I had a medical abortion. It was the most horrific experience of my life and not a day goes by when I don’t think about it. The whole experience and the pain were horrendous.
A part of me felt awful for what I was doing; I felt like I was murdering a baby. Having said that, though, I don’t regret it at all. I know abortion is an awful process but sometimes accidents do happen. Why bring a child into the world who can’t be cared and provided for...surely that’s more unfair than anything?
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your experience with us…The difficult circumstances of your pregnancy must have been a strong factor in your decision making process. Feeling so ill must have made it all seem so much worse.
It sounds as if your 'head' is still having to tell you all the reasons why it was the right decision for you – wanting to get back to the plan you had for your life; not being tied to the father. You might work really hard now to ensure that this decision was the right one – perhaps by following through with your plan for your life as best you can.
But it seems that your heart also has something to say about your experience; namely, the part of you that ‘felt awful’ about what you were doing. You might at some time need to pay attention to that part of you that isn’t quite reconciled to the meaning of your abortion. If, at any time, you need to have a check-up to see how well you have come through this experience emotionally, then please get in touch. We’ll be thinking of you.