I had my abortion when I was nine weeks pregnant.

By anonymous on 18/04/2015

My abortion story…

I was 17 when I got pregnant. Never had I thought I'd have an abortion, I was raised Catholic and all my life attended Catholic school. I was very into my faith but very into my temptations as well. I was very daring when it came to Sex. In theology I had been taught about our conscience and morally what is right and wrong. I was taught and I knew abortion was wrong, and I knew killing an innocent life was selfish but things change drastically when you find yourself in that predicament.

It was the Summer before my senior year and I had been with my boyfriend, who was 19 at the time for about 8 months. We had engaged in sex before this time and we were immature about protection, we didn't like the way it felt so we didn't use it and my mom didn't know I was sexually active so I wasn't on the pill either.

The feeling I got was sort of a hunch feeling, my period was only a couple days late and I'm irregular so usually I wouldn't think much of it but this time was different. I was at my boyfriend's house before I had to go to work and I asked him to take me to the Dollar store to get a pregnancy test. I was curious and nervous to see what'd it say but we had scares before and they were all negative. We get back to his house and I take the test, at first I look at it and see just one line… Then I look again and I see what appears to be a very very faint second line.

I show the test to my boyfriend and I tell him I want to take another one so I can see if that is the real result. We go back to the dollar store and buy 3 more and all of them come back with a very faint second line. My thoughts in my head were oh my goodness this can't be real.. I broke out into tears and immediately became paranoid, what was I going to do. I look at my boyfriend and he sees the tears in my eyes and hugs me then kisses my stomach as he's kissing the baby, he was being strong when I know he was terrified too.

Time passes and we don't really talk at all he just keeps reassuring me everything is gonna be okay. I told him I had to leave I had to go to work, I get to work and it's all I'm thinking about. My job required me to be happy and energetic but I couldn't not 100% my mind and thoughts were all focused on the baby. I cried here and there at work really putting up a fake especially because my brother and his girlfriend at the time worked with me and I didn't want the secret coming out. When I got home all I wanted to do was cry but I couldn't tell my mom. It was one of my darkest secrets.

My boyfriend and I talk about it and we discuss an abortion.. I'd never thought I'd ever consider one, but selfishness took over me. I was about to start my senior year and I needed to graduate, I was an honor student and athlete and being pregnant would not only get me kicked out of my school but I'd be the one senior that gets pregnant every year. I didn't want to be her. School starts about a week and a half later and I have all the information on abortions and what I have to do to receive a judicial bypass from a judge. My first week of senior theology we write down on a piece of paper something that will stay with us or something we want to change and we'll get the paper back before graduation to see what had changed. I didnt even think I'd make it to graduation.

The whole process of getting a judicial bypass was lengthy and you could only have an abortion done before so many weeks so it needed to be done quick. After school one day my boyfriend and I went to this pro life free pregnancy clinic where they consul me and give me proof of pregnancy. I had to get proof of pregnancy before I could be heard in front of a judge for a judicial bypass. I look up online and find where I can get a free lawyer to help me because I wasn't 18 yet I couldn't go to an abortion clinic and have the procedure done without a parent. I get a a free lawyer and she gives me a date to be downtown at the court house and what time for my hearing.

It was during the week during school. I had to skip. I call the front office pretending to be my mom and say I won't be at school that day, the receptionist says okay thank you for letting us know. I thought I was in the clear but then I get a call back from the school and ignore it because I was paranoid. I go to my hearing and get everything done, now I just need to go to the clinic and have the procedure, but in Texas you need to go to the clinic and then wait 24hrs to ensure that is what you want to do. We go to clinic, while I'm at the clinic I get a call from my mother.. She asks where I'm at and knows I wasn't at school I don't reply. We leave the clinic and she keeps texting and calling me and even calls my boyfriend asking saying she won't be mad she's just worried. I call her to let her know I was okay and lie to her saying my boyfriend took me to a pregnancy clinic, that's how she found out I was sexually active.. She's hurt and asks, 'what was it?' I lie again and tell her it was negative. She just tells me to get home and that's when we'll talk about it. I get there and just avoid her, she said she went to my school to get me out early and they tell her I wasn't in. I was caught. I couldn't go back to the clinic because I was caught I couldn't skip anymore and my mom wasn't gonna let me see my boyfriend or even be alone with him.

He gets to my house after he got off from work and we talk about everything I tell her I got a positive and she starts crying and is so disappointed and asks what we're gonna do. Then my boyfriend speaks up on my behalf saying I've been mature through the whole thing and know what we're gonna do. And she asks were you just gonna keep it a secret and I say yes. It makes everything worse. The night goes on and now she knows I'm gonna have an abortion.. I'm so embarrassed. But what's done was done.

The next day we go back to the clinic and I opt for the at home abortion so it can be discrete. I go home and take the pills expecting to be in intense pain from what I had read. My boyfriend is there, I take the pills, put on huge pads and try to sleep through the pain, I wake up and I'm soaked in blood down there. I use the restroom and I'm just dropping clots and clots.. It was ugly I bled for 3 weeks straight… And I even saw myself pass the baby that was the most heartbreaking incident I've ever felt but I didnt think much of it at the time.

I had my abortion done on September 11, 2013, I was nine weeks pregnant with my Jediah ❤️ and I thought I didn't feel regret but it slowly creeps up on you. There's not a day that goes by where I don't wish everything just could have gone differently. I regret what I did and I just wish I could hold and hug my baby and tell him I'm so sorry I was selfish and I love him so much. ❤️❤️❤️

Editor's Comment

You clearly had a very strong drive to continue your education, and sport, and pregnancy did not fit into your plans at this time. What you suppressed was your values and beliefs which gave you thoughts that 'abortion was wrong', and you were taking'an innocent life'. It is this area of you as a person that is causing you pain because you have crossed your own personal boundaries. This can feel like a betrayal of self and be hard to come to terms with.

It often takes post abortion counselling and support to resolve this inner conflict, and I would encourage you to seek that help. As the signposting on this site is for the UK clients, I do not have details of help in your country but I do know it is available.  

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