I am six weeks and four days pregnant with my 14th pregnancy. I have four living children, the eldest is nearly 14 and the youngest is just 18 months.
My husband and I had decided not to have any more children, so to find out that we were pregnant was quite a shock! I mean how? When? (I must have ovulated either early or late in the month), as we are usually very very careful.... Anyway, what is done is done.
We have made some huge plans this year, one of which includes moving interstate and we have been saving madly to move at the end of the year. So I booked in to have a termination done. I started getting some spotting so booked in to have an ultrasound just to make sure I was not miscarrying, as if I was then there was no point in having the termination. As it turns out it was probably the worst thing I could have done as I saw the little baby's heartbeat flickering away on the screen. So now I am in two minds as to what we do.... do we keep the baby? Is it our last chance to have another baby? What if I have another prem baby, or lose this one as well? Will I resent this baby because if I have it, it will probably mean that our plans are put on hold for another two to three years?
I am in such a dilemma at the moment and my mind is racing at 100 miles an hour and I would really appreciate some comments or feedback.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your situation with us...It seems you have been thwarted in your decision not to have more children and in your plans to move house, so it makes logical sense not to pursue this pregnancy, doesn’t it? But it seems something has got in the way – your heart response to seeing your baby’s heart on the scan. Your instinct to nurture this pregnancy and have another baby has been awoken once more, despite your pregnancy history.
What I’m curious about is your relationship to emotional pain. You’ve suffered the late miscarriage of a baby at 23 weeks, you’ve endured the premature births of all your children, and you’ve had four terminations plus four other miscarriages. I do sense in you a slight fear – understandably - at facing more pain, loss and grief.
You said the late miscarriage was very difficult for you, but you say little about your emotional response to these other experiences. Emotional pain must have seemed like a constant companion to you in your adult life. Maybe you’ve had medication or good support to get you through. Or maybe you’ve allowed the pain of these experiences to pass through you, do what it’s needed to do and let it go in a healthy way. I don’t know for sure. It may even be that you’ve tucked your emotion away behind your logic and rationalised about all that’s happened in order to cope with it.
What I do sense is that despite all this, there is still something in you that responded to seeing that scan. Despite your past pain, there’s still a part of you that hopes. You are a very resilient woman. The circumstances seem to be a relatively small part of this decision; it may be that what’s more important is your heart's response to this baby.
Please contact Optionline on 800-395-HELP to find some support for this decision-making time. You can talk to someone confidentially about any part of your experience and talk through this current situation. We’ll be thinking of you.