After much agony, I went in for a medical termination at eight weeks.I discovered I was pregnant with my fourth child and was horrified. My husband and I - I also have a step-son - knew we just couldn't manage another. I had post-natal depression with my last two and our youngest isn't yet two. After much agony, I went in for a medical termination at eight weeks. It was awful. Not a great deal happened. I lost a lot of blood, had a hostile nurse, was sent home and was told I would ‘miscarry naturally’. Ten days later, a scan told me what I already knew - that my baby was still there. The doctor asked me if I wanted to keep the baby - I was even shown the scan - and then panicked because there was no heartbeat. He called in another scanner to confirm that and I was booked in for an evacuation ten days later. All in all the experience has lasted six weeks and been hell. I feel desperate. Though I know we did the only thing we could, I am finding it hard to even look at my own children. Editor’s note: Thank you for writing in with your story…It sounds as if it was a difficult decision for you in the first place, feeling the pressure of your circumstances and the fear of post-natal depression, without all the distress of a missed termination as well. You seem to be feeling the split between what your ‘head’, your rational thinking, is saying to you about your situation, and what your deeper ‘heart’ feelings are saying about the pregnancy. This is probably why your decision was an agonising one – your head and heart have been divided over it. It’s not uncommon for women to feel distant from their existing children following a termination – it’s a symptom of pain at a deeper level within you that is just beginning to surface. It would help you to talk this through with a trained advisor at a centre, on the helpline or using Online Advisor, so that you can begin to acknowledge your pain, walk the journey through it and be able to let it go in time.
This story was sent in on 10/04/2008