Every time I'm around a baby/child or someone who's pregnant I get depressed and upset

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All I want is a family...

My relationship of 4 years with my ex-partner was very horrible. I lost all faith and confidence in myself, he made me feel weak and useless. I would get put down and treated like nothing day in and day out.

And about 2 years ago I fell pregnant, this was so unplanned and I could tell that he hated me for it and for some reason just blamed me. He wouldn't even look at me or anything.

We both decided it would be best to have an abortion (other abortion stories) as we were still living at home and wouldn't be able to give the baby a life it deserved. I was devastated I felt so horrible for so long and couldn't live with myself.

And the worst part was he wouldn't even come with me, so I took a close friend with me. It was such a horrible experience.

When I was discharged from having my medical/surgical abortion (more experiences of medical and surgical abortion) I went home and was in quite a bit of pain and felt so numb and tired but my ex wouldn't do anything for me. I think he enjoyed watching me in pain... like I deserved it or something.

Nothing changed with us but I still stuck with him, he made me feel like I was stuck and couldn't leave.

Anyways about a year and a half ago, I fell pregnant again to the same ex (I was on the pill but was sick around the time so should have used condoms I know) and I was actually excited this time. We had our own place and were doing fine.

But once again he hated me and said he would leave me if I didn't get rid of it. I told him that I wanted it and he continued to tell me if I was to keep it I can move out and raise the baby by myself with no help.

I was absolutely shattered and I hate myself for listening to him and letting him suck me in under his thumb. At this point, I was beyond depressed and was sleep deprived. But once again back for another medical abortion... this time was so much worse... I can't explain the feeling afterwards... I just can't.

About 12 months ago now, we broke up. I finally let myself be free and now have a new boyfriend who is amazing and I could not be happier.

But every time I'm around a baby/child or even someone who's pregnant I get so depressed and upset, it brings me to tears. There is nothing more I want than to start a family with my new partner, but at the same time, I just feel so guilty.

Sorry for the long post, none of this has been spoken about to anyone and need to get it out :( 

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