When my son was only ten weeks old, I discovered I was pregnant again...

By anonymous on 01/08/2008
I am a mother of three beautiful children aged 6, 4 and four months. After my first two children (my lovely girls), I married their father and we tried for a boy and were blessed nine months later with my wonderful son. My husband and I were elated and after three very difficult pregnancies (sickness and tiredness), we were very happy to close the page on any more children. However, when my son was only ten weeks old, I discovered I was pregnant again and instantly fell into depression, not really wanting another pregnancy but not wanting to abort my baby either.

I made and cancelled appointments to see the abortion clinic doctors many times. As the pregnancy established and I got more sick and tired I went to the GP for medicine to control my sickness and was given a prescription for folic acid (nothing to control my sickness!) and told to think of the baby and to try and manage. Eventually when I was unable to look after my children or myself, I dragged myself in for an abortion at 8 weeks and 3 days in desperation just to feel better.

Now, two weeks later, and feeling better and less hormonal I do think ‘what have I done to my poor baby?’ I know I was torn about what decision to make but the sickness made my decision for me and I try to stay positive by looking at all the things I can do with my children I have already. But every day I look at my son and wonder what my baby would have been and ask myself if am I depriving my son of a possible brother and close sibling as there are four years between my middle child and my youngest. I am hoping that time will heal my sadness and my emptiness and that one day I will look back positively about my decision.

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your experience with us…you were obviously ambivalent (in two minds) about an abortion when going through the decision-making process. This is often the result of our head saying one thing and our heart saying another. In your case, you also had the pressure of feeling sick which can often cloud a decision because of the urgent need for physical relief.

It seems now you are trying to offset the negative feelings you have by making sure you give yourself to your existing children, but that will probably not be enough to resolve the sense of sadness and emptiness you have. Although it’s early days, it would help you to talk this through with someone at your nearest centre, on the helpline or on Online Advisor with a view to having some post-abortion support when you are ready.

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