I was 15 years old and pregnant by an older man. The first words he said were, ‘I’m not marrying you’.

I was 15 years old and pregnant by an older man. The first words he said were, ‘I’m not marrying you’. I was devastated. I felt so rejected and worthless. Then my parents told me that I was to have an abortion and that I had no choice, as I was under the age of consent. What would people think? I was taken off somewhere and an abortion was carried out. All I can remember was that the consultant said to me that it didn’t matter as the baby was only a little blob at that time and was not alive yet. As I was only a child I truly believed and trusted this woman. So with that they took control and carried out the abortion and it was never spoken about again. I cried before going in for the abortion as I was so confused and afraid and did not know what was happening to me, except that adults had made a decision to kill my baby and they were supposed to be grown up and leading by example. I was so frustrated and hurt as no-one considered what I thought or how I felt. So some twenty years later, and after seven more abortions, I am sitting in a counsellor’s session trying to understand why I could not bond with my children on an emotional level. Surprise, surprise. The problem was GUILT AND SHAME. As well as the message I got from the first abortion: ‘You are not capable of being a mother’. Abortion had become my normal solution for contraception and I had no idea that I was killing my babies who already had a heart beating. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It’s remarkable that, even though you didn’t really understand what was happening to your pregnancies, your subconscious still had a deep response in withdrawing from your existing children in time. Something deep down – our heart - seems to understand more about abortion than we do at an intellectual level. A famous quotation is: ‘The heart has its reasons about which the mind knows nothing’. It’s good to know you have had counselling and support for your experiences and we hope you feel whole and hopeful again. Thank you for being so open about your experiences.

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