I was just about to turn 41 when I found out I was pregnant, already a mother to two teenagers.

I was just about to turn 41 when I found out I was pregnant, already a mother to two teenagers. I was delighted, full of happiness but a little worried about my age and what people might think. I told my husband. His face said it all; disgust, disappointment. Instantly my heart fell to the floor. I felt as though I had done something so wrong, and was made to feel this is not right. I am too old, the baby would not be healthy and the cost of another child were all the questions he put into my head. We told our parents but not the truth to my teenagers which I feel so guilty about. We denied them of their sibling. The abortion was awful, like being in a factory. No one really cares what you are doing and no one warns you about how you will feel after. I cried all the way through it. I did suggest to my husband at one point that we should leave the clinic. All I could think was it will all be over soon and back to the way it was before. That was so wrong. I murdered my own child. No one else but me. I did it; I will never forgive myself. Now I am in my own hell bubble; no one ever talks about it. My husband is distant and I am beginning to hate him. How could he have done this to me? Why, why didn’t he want our child? This all happened in 2006 but it doesn’t get any easier. I am obsessed with how old pregnant women are when they are older mums. I feel all the time that I still want a baby, and that’s so confusing because of what I have done. When you are pregnant, your emotions are so all over the place; you don’t know what you want. I was led by everyone else. All I think now is, if I had had the baby everyone would have loved it and there would have been no regrets, but this way there are plenty of regrets. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…You sound very alone, behind a wall of guilt, regret, loss, anger, shame and self-contempt. You’re experiencing common problems after abortion: being very aware of other women and children, tension and resentment in your relationship, wanting another baby. All these have arisen because you went through with something under pressure that you knew in your heart you did not want to do. You were ambivalent about it; and now you’re suffering. It would help you to contact your nearest centre for some post-abortion support. In fact, it would help both of you to go together. There is hope for you; you can come out from behind that wall and start to become again who you are meant to be. We’ll be thinking of you.

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