I had an abortion two weeks and four days ago.
I was very poorly when pregnant and had to lie to everyone, including close family and friends. Only my boyfriend knew at first. He told his sister as he felt he needed someone to talk to, but I found it difficult to talk to her as she was struggling to conceive her second child. My boyfriend discussed it with me and it was clear he felt it was not right as we couldn't afford it. Also, we didn't live together and he wanted to be able to provide for our baby when we wanted to have one, and not be forced into it or be forced to move in with me.
Two days before the abortion he told me what ever I decided he would support me but made it clear what he wanted and made me feel guilty for even having second thoughts. He was supportive on the day but seems to have forgotten what happened since and seems to have put it to the back of his mind, but the memory will, and always seems to be, at the front of my mind. I am not sleeping, or when I do, I seem to have nightmares, not so much about the abortion but mainly about my boyfriend going off with other girls and really distorted dreams about people whom I love dying or becoming injured.
A week ago I found out his sister is five weeks pregnant and she didn't want to tell me for various reasons and now the whole family are getting together to celebrate and that is all they talk about. I avoid their calls and do not text them as I can't hide the fact that I am disappointed that it is not me being the one to celebrate. I am jealous and that is it really. As the family are close, I will always have their baby close by, always thinking that my baby would have been only two months older.
I push my eight year old daughter away as I don't seem to want her around but I love her so much that it hurts. My stress levels are soaring and everyone notices how stressed I am. I cry all the time and just feel so alone as I have no one to talk to.
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are very alone in all of this, aren’t you? It seems to be so much on your mind and on nobody else’s. There’s a distance between you and your boyfriend, between you and his family, even, sadly, between you and your daughter. That’s not unusual after an abortion; you are not alone in that. We understand the pain you are feeling; pain that is coming through even in your dreams. However overwhelming the pain of it is right now; I promise you there is hope for recovery and healing. The first step is to call the helpline. You can visit a centre and talk to someone who understands face to face. Or you can speak to an advisor online. We are thinking of you.