I got pregnant in October and at first he seemed excited...

By anonymous on 22/11/2006
I’m 24. I’ve known my fiancé for almost 7 years. We were always in love but things always kept us apart. We finally ended up together in January of this year. By this time, he has 2 kids, aged 1 and 6. We got engaged in March. I adore his kids to death. I got pregnant in October and at first he seemed excited, then when it was confirmed he did not want our baby anymore, he said I had to get an abortion.

At first I thought he was crazy, but he kept insisting. It finally came down to him or the baby, and I made the biggest mistake of my ENTIRE life when I chose him over my baby. I had the abortion last Thursday. I’ve been constantly crying from that day on. All I think about is her, and that I will never hold her in my arms, never hear her laugh, never kiss her cheeks, or hear her say mommy. I keep thinking about all the things the two of us could have done together, WITHOUT MY FIANCE, had I chosen her. Now I think I am starting to hate him. I just want my baby back. I don’t want another baby - I want her.

The doctor even tried to stop me in a subtle way. He saw I did not want to have an abortion. He asked me if it was what I really wanted and I told him no. He even told me I did not have to do it, but I could not picture myself a single parent. I did not have a job or a home or any money, and I did not want to be like the other young mothers I see tugging a baby along. I did not want my baby to suffer. I did not think I could do it alone. I did not tell my family. Probably if I did, it would have gone differently. I probably would still have my baby girl living inside me, but I did not know a lot of things. I just thought he would have stuck by me and we would get through it together, but he has not. He now wants to break up.

I hate him so much. I just want to be with my baby girl. I’ve thought about killing myself so I could be together but she is in heaven and I won’t get there if I kill myself. I’ve asked God to take me but I don’t think he will either. I miss her sooooooooo much some days I think I’m going to lose my mind. I have no one to talk to and I’m all alone. All I really want is to have my child back safe inside me. I was supposed to protect her and I failed her. I named her Lareina, my angel, I miss her soooooo much. I thought I would have been ok but I know it will only get worse.

PLEASE IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU PLAN TO HAVE AN ABORTION PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT DO IT, PLEASE. It will kill you inside. Not only will your baby die but you will die inside too, you will not be the same person. I know I will be haunted by this for the rest of my life. I just hope it’s not a long life because I want to be with my baby as soon as possible, and I think if it does not happen soon enough for me I will do something I may regret that may keep me from ever being with her again. This is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. Abortion has killed me. I’m nothing more than a shell that exists now.

Editor’s Note: You are clearly very distressed by what you have experienced and it is VERY VERY important that you seek support right now. You can speak to someone at your nearest pregnancy counselling centre, or ring the helpline or go on Online Advisor. Our advisors are experienced and understand the pain you are feeling – you will receive kindness and care. Don’t struggle with this alone any more – get in touch.

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