I have had a roller coaster ride of emotions since my abortion but have been lucky enough to have good counselling which has been of great help to me.

I last wrote on this site 24hrs after my medical abortion which was now nearly 18 months ago (it still seems like yesterday). I have had a roller coaster ride of emotions since then but have been lucky enough to have good counselling which has been of great help to me. Looking back at the reasons I decided to have an abortion and after my counselling, I now understand I was in panic/sensible mode, doing what my head thought was best, and what my partner thought was best. I now know I was wrong and my little angel doesn't go without a single day being on my mind. I chose not to listen to my heart or my gut and went for my head. Ever since, I have truly regretted what I did that day in Feb 08. I know I cannot turn back time but I have learned to follow my heart and if ever faced with the choice again I know exactly what I would do. I have a new-found place in my heart for women who chose abortion. It’s not 'the easy way out' and will always jump to defend that if I hear comments of this sort. Every day is a battle with my emotions but thanks to CareConfidential and their support, I have been able to keep this under control. I'm sure there are women reading these stories who are confused, scared, ashamed or at a loss. I was one of them and found great comfort knowing it's ok to feel all of these things. You are grieving, you have lost and it's ok to do so. If someone was to lose a baby through miscarriage friends, family, work and such like rally round to support them and allow that person to grieve. Sadly this is not the case with abortion. People think that because you chose to make this happen, it's not the same. Well I can tell you all now it is the same and it's OK to be sad; it's normal and you don't have to hide away in shame. For some women, it isn't as hard to come to terms with what they have decided but for others it is. I chose to seek help from people who didn't know me and wouldn't judge me. I can't thank them enough. I still have a special place in my heart for my little one and I will never forget but I cope with it now and 18 months down the line I’m living again. I have my life back; I can laugh without feeling guilty, cuddle friends’ babies without feeling angry or sad. Don't get me wrong, it's not all a bed of roses. I still have my down days but much fewer than before. I hope this helps anyone struggling to come to terms with an abortion. It’s normal and ok to feel the way you do. If I can make it through this, anyone can. Trust me! Editor’s note: Thank you so much for sharing your experience…It seems you have made a lot of progress in the time you have had support. To be able to hold other people’s babies is a sure sign that you are well on the road to recovery. You are absolutely right to acknowledge that women find it very hard to grieve baby loss through abortion – many women feel the guilt and shame and think they don’t deserve to be free from pain. This a dead-end sorrow that can affect a woman for years. Thank you for sharing your journey of increasing freedom – we wish you well for the future.

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