I'm 19 and had an abortion a few months ago. When I first found out I was pregnant I was over the moon.
I have never been that close to my mum. We used to fight like cat and dog, and I couldn't just come out with it so I wrote it all down in a letter and left it next to the phone where I knew she would find it. When she did, it all kicked off. I left home for a few days. The first thing my mum said to me was that I was going to have an abortion, that a baby would ruin my life and she wanted more for me. I couldn't stop thinking, ‘What does she mean - ruin my life?’ I was going to be a mum. I couldn't think of anything more worthwhile.
A few more days or shouting and screaming. She told me she had said everything she could, and I had to make decision. She gave me a few days to have a proper think. I said I wanted to keep the baby... this was the wrong answer. About a week passed and she kept niggling and bursting into tears whenever she looked at me. I started to think about how much upset I was causing everyone and maybe an abortion was the right thing to do. We didn't have enough money to raise a baby. What kind of life could we give a baby? I told the doubts I was having to my boyfriend and he said he was feeling the same. A few days later, we agreed it was best to get rid of our baby. I told my mum and she booked the doctor’s appointment that second.
The first appointment at the doctor’s was awful. The doctor who was a woman just looked at me as if I was scum. It was going to be two weeks before I had the next appointment. My mum offered to pay for it privately so it would be quicker. Pay to kill my baby? Don't think so. The second one at the clinic was better. There were so many different people. All ages. Some of the ladies even had kids with them... It was here I first saw my baby.
He was 1.8cm long, and just a white blob on the monitor. The lady who did it was doing her best to hide the screen from me. I didn't know how to say that I wanted to look... then she printed a picture out and shoved it under the papers in my file... Then I saw another lady who booked everything for me. Then I went to the clinic. It didn't seem real. All the women I saw the last time were there... I’ve never been in a hospital environment so I had no idea what they were doing when they put me to sleep... no one even told me that's what they were doing. I woke up, I cried. The nurses were lovely; it hurt like hell when I woke up. I’d never been put to sleep either so I was really out of it. When I came round I remember I was shouting for my boyfriend and was convinced that the nurse was him... still have no idea what I said. There was a girl who went in just before me; we were the same age and got sat next to each other in recovery. I wasn't upset or anything. I wasn't upset when I got home... I knew I was going to start clotting.
About a week after it happened was when it hit me. I hate myself for what I did. I want my baby back and I will never forgive myself. I don't know how to explain the pain I feel every day. I made the wrong decision. I will never ever forgive myself. It’s taken me about ten times to write this. I hope it will help me... and I hope it will help someone else.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It sounds like you knew exactly what your heart wanted as soon as you discovered your pregnancy. Whatever the practicalities of your life, you were ready to make a go of it and be a parent. It seems that you were at peace with yourself over this decision. However, your mother’s view of your pregnancy sowed seeds of doubt in your mind, and you were persuaded to go along with her coercive attitude against the better judgement of your own heart. She obviously thought she had good reasons to coerce you in the way she did; for your good, but it may well be that she was motivated through shame as well.
Now it’s your heart that is in pain with loss, grief, regret, sadness, guilt and shame and you are really struggling with these emotions, aren’t you? You need to know that many women who are ambivalent about an abortion feel the way you do right now. But there is hope. There is recovery available to you, and your first step is to contact your nearest support centre and make an appointment for post-abortion help. There is a way through these emotions and an opportunity to come to terms with what happened. We’ll be thinking of you.