About 25 years ago I had an abortion

About 25 years ago I had an abortion. I felt like I was a murderer. I hated myself and could only see a deep black hole, no self worth, loneliness. I felt suicidal and tried to take my own life many times. I was angry, angry that it was evil and dishonest.
Then one day I went to church. I felt different when I came out, but still very depressed. I was offered counselling which I took. I was afraid - anxiety stepped into me, what would the counsellor think of me? The first session was quite nerve racking, but when I came out I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was able to share my story with other people for the first time.

My husband was violent and mentally abusive

I was only 18 years old when I was pregnant with my first child. He was born in April, 26 years ago. My husband was violent and mentally abusive. It was like living in hell, I was always covering up for him. A year later, when I found out I was pregnant again, my Mum and Dad didn't talk to me, except to tell me to have an abortion. I didn't want an abortion but because of the way things were in my life, and the lack of support I felt I had, I decided to have an abortion.

The Journey

Going to counselling enabled me to open up the last 25 years of my life. It was very painful and scary, not knowing whether these people would be able to help me. We went through the time around my abortion and went on what we call 'a journey'. I was able to talk about how evil and worthless I felt. Then one day I thought 'I am going to name my daughter E......'. That made me feel very contented. My next step is to make a memorial for her and me. God is with E........ - it took a lot of courage to let go, but in letting her go, I feel I have found peace, and the quality of my life now feels better. I feel my broken heart has almost mended, and that I have hope for the future.

Editor's Comment

Well done for having the courage to share your story with us. It sounds as though you have had an experience that left scars that needed healing. I think that when abortion goes against your own values and beliefs it can be very difficult to live with. It is good that the counselling you received gave you the opportunity to release the emotional pain, and move on. I hope that your story will give others the courage to take that step. Follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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