Abotion at 18

I was nearly 18 when I found out I was pregnant 6 months ago. In an instant, I knew I was not ready for a baby. The father and I had recently broken up, he used protection, and I was on birth control. The idea of a baby was never even considered because we were extremely cautious.

A secret abortion

Although we were no longer together, I told my ex-boyfriend. It was total shock. Emotions ran through me that I never knew I could feel. We decided after spending a few hours together talking about each possible option, that a secret abortion very soon was our best option. We were both hoping to go off to university in the following fall, and both had been or experienced living with single and separated parents. Nothing about it seemed right.
I lived on like nothing was happening for one week. I told no one, and he was really there for me. Always asking how I felt, how positive I was about everything. He was really mature about the situation.
So we went down one day to the closest clinic. I saw protesters outside. I was filled with confusion, but at the same time I was totally confident in the decision. He reassured me that we were doing the best possible thing. The following day, it was hard to believe that it had really happened.

The father had stopped talking to me totally.

I wasn't even acknowledged for any reason. I thought I was going to be okay. I remember the whole experience still to this day. The expression on every strangers face. The tears that I cried, the person's name I yelled for. The cookie I ate. The view out the window that I was forced to stare out of for twenty minutes. I remember the drugs finally kicking in as I got up to leave. All I wanted to do was get as far away from that building as possible.
It has been 6 months since this experience. I've only talked with my ex-boyfriend once since the abortion. I cry everyday, constantly. The thought of babies, pregnancy and abortion makes me want to throw up. I feel so alone in this world. Like no one understands my pain. It doesn't make sense to me, because I know I made the right decision. Yet I feel worthless, and selfish.

I let a stranger take my baby from me.

It was a fighter, just like me. Invincible and strong. I'm no longer this way, I took away my baby's strength, and it took mine. I no longer know how to cope. There isn't anyone I know who understands my pain, or even knows the nightmares I have. I'm terrified, and lost. I thought 6 months would make it heal. I thought time would cure the pain, but it's done nothing except make me feel more and more guilt. I'm constantly angry at myself. But, I'm seeking help. I'm going to therapy. I hope that one day, whether it be soon or not, I'll be okay. I don't want to be happy about my decision. I just want to be content and I want to be able to make it through the rest of my life not feeling regret.

Editor's Comment

It comes as a shock when a decision that seemed so right had such a painful effect on you. It must have been hard that your boyfriend cut off all support as soon as it was over. It sounds as though the protesters outside the clinic had an impact on you I presume you are writing from USA as we don't have demonstrations like this in UK. I hope that with post abortion counselling you will be able to come to terms with what has happened and understand why you have reacted so strongly.
This story was sent in on 30/04/2010 and it's been viewed 908 times.

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