Both my partner and I have decided to give our child up for adoption

By anonymous on 04/04/2007
I am due to give birth in a week. (I know - scary!) Both my partner and I have decided to give our child up for adoption as we feel that our baby would have a much better life without us. I am 20 and my partner is 19. I feel I can’t talk to him about everything that I’m feeling.

I know that I’m going to miss my son when I have to say goodbye and walk out of his life. It hurts deep down that my son won’t call me Mum. I'll miss his first words, his first steps, cuddles and kisses, tucking him in bed and making sure he's alright. It also hurts that another woman will have the love from my son that I crave. Every night I think about my son's life without me and wonder what my life will be like without him. It scares me that I love this child so much and he will never ever hear me tell him this. He will never remember my face and never hear me say goodnight.

When I finally have to walk away, 6 weeks after his birth and let someone else take over from me, it will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life. Knowing that when I turn for my last glimpse of his beautiful face, it could be the last time I will see him for the rest of my life. I’m scared of forgetting what he looks like, what he feels like in my arms etc. I know that I’m giving birth to him but he won’t see me ever as his mum. He won’t remember me as his mum.

I will spend every night looking up to the night sky and wish upon the brightest star that he is the happiest boy in the world and that he has the love that he deserves. And I also pray, one day, that he will find me and I'll be able to tell him all the things that my heart will ache to say.

Editor’s note: Thank you so much for writing in. You don’t say much about the circumstances you are both in, but it’s very clear to me that in making an adoption plan for your son, your overriding motivation is that you want the absolute best for him. You know, too, that it will cost you dearly to do it. Not many are prepared to sacrifice themselves in this way for the sake of the well-being of their child.

Right now, you are feeling the cost – the grief, the loss, the pain. And that’s ok. What matters is how you go through this pain, resolve it and remember it in time. An adoption plan for your baby is also a plan for you and your life. Although you are feeling the pain at the moment, and will do for some time, your decision can also provide hope, purpose and destiny for you too.

Are you able to share your feelings with anyone? If not, I want to encourage you to visit a centre or talk to someone on the helpline or on Online Advisor for support. Alternatively, you can speak to an experienced advisor on the ASIST (Adoption Support in Society Today) helpline. The number is 01823 253026.

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