At the Drs I said 'no' to an abortion

I made a big mistake in falling in love with someone who was happy to use me. I grew up in a family where my father was an emotional bully to my mother and also to the children, I never had any confidence in myself or self esteem, and although I tried so hard I never reached my father's high standards, never got approval. I met a man who was confident and popular and funny. When I was with him I felt I was someone worth something, however he was happy to emotionally bully me like my father. When he finished with me, my heart was broken and I felt grief. I took myself off the pill as I wasn't going to rush into another relationship. Some six weeks later he came back telling me he wanted me back, we slept together, as he left he said, I don't want you back I just wanted to sleep with you. I was heartbroken, I couldn't believe he could treat me like that. Anyway I found out I was pregnant, I was still at home with my parents and had to tell my mum. Naturally she was angry and upset, but my father went ballistic. I was dragged to the drs for an abortion, I wasn't consulted at all. I was terrified. At the Drs I said 'no' to an abortion and my father was sooo angry, he stopped talking to me for the rest of the pregnancy, we were in the same house same room, and I was ignored. My mother who was scared of my father hardly spoke. I went through it all on my own with no support at all. It was the loneliest time of my life and I will NEVER forget it I remember everything as if yesterday I also feel the feelings like yesterday. I was allowed home after the birth of my son but my son was not allowed home. I tried so many ways to keep my child, each road I took was blocked, their was no council house for me or benefits. There was nothing if you did not have your parents help. My son was adopted and my heart was broken. Some years later I married and I am now 59 and have two sons who I love so much and a wonderful husband. Mentally I know I am damaged from what happened, the tears for years ,the yearning for my firstborn have never gone away. In 2005 when the new laws came in I started searching for my son. The place that should have had his details had mislaid them, so I needed help. I contacted Norcap and they began the search for me. My husband has always known about my first son and he is very supportive. I told my sons when they were younger and they too are supportive. About a year ago a lady from Norcap rang me and told me they had found my son. I was overjoyed, but also nervous, would he want to know me? It would be a shock for him. Well we have been in touch for a year now by letter and e mail, we have been building up a relationship, its going well. I was careful to make sure he made his mum feel special and that I was not trying to infiltrate into his family because a mother is the one who cares for you each day and wipes away the tears and helps with homework etc etc, his mum has done that. It hurts because I wanted to do that. It's hard not knowing your place. I'm his mum but not his mum. I have a grandson, yet he's not my grandson. It hurts. Next weekend I will be meeting my son for the first time. I have photos of him and he has some of me. I am afraid and excited, I wonder what he will ask me, I hope I can be brave and answer truthfully even if it hurts me. I want him to know where he is from, maybe where he got his looks from, his talents, maybe his emotions. I want him to feel whole and confident,to be able to add to what he is, because some things are in our nature some are nurtured. The most important thing I want him to know is that I loved him ,still do, and that I wanted to keep him with all my heart. I hope he can forgive me. Editor's Comment:- What an incredibly moving story. Thank you so much for the priviledge of sharing it with you and all those who read it. You had such a difficult upbringing and I am amazed at your courage and endurance in choosing to keep your baby at immense emotional cost to yourself. It is tragic that you were unable to keep the baby you had fought for. I do hope that your reunion with your son brings healing and reconciliation for you both. It would be lovely to hear how you get on.