I am 40 and 20 weeks pregnant

I am 40 and 20 weeks pregnant (my first pregnancy). My partner of only 8 months and I were about to start fertility treatment but then I got pregnant naturally (miracle given my hormone levels). At first he was shocked but dealing with it. Then a week later I found he had started asking other woman out and cheating on me (just kissing no sleeping). He apologized and said he was just freaking out and I was the best thing that had happened to him.
Over the next few months he kept getting very angry with me and at 13 weeks he left me but said he would support any decision I made regarding the baby. At 15 weeks I wanted to terminate (scared of being a single mother) but he begged me to keep it, although refused to try and fix our relationship (which I wanted).

I booked an abortion but couldn't go through with it.

Two weeks later I felt more alone than ever and booked another abortion but again couldn't go through with it.
My ex then told me he wanted me to have the abortion and would not see or support the child if I have it. He says he isn't ready to be a father and is refusing to have anything to do with the child if I keep it.
He is very angry with me and refuses to see to me. He is mad that I haven't just had an abortion and it's my own fault I am so unhappy as I should have just had the abortion the first time.
I don't want to be a single parent but I am so scared if I abort I will never have the chance to have children again and will make the biggest regret of my life. Likewise I am petrified of having the baby and hate being a single mother. I never wanted a child enough to think about having one alone, but now I don't know what to do for the best. I am petrified of making the wrong decision. I have seen a therapist but she isn't helping me come to a decision.
I am also devastated that my partner left me. I feel like I have completely messed up my life and whatever I do now will be filled with regret later.

Editor's Comment

A very difficult dilemma and you must feel very alone and isolated as you try to make the right decision. Something stopped you from going ahead with your booked abortion and deep down you may have felt it was not for you.
At 40 this could well be your only chance to have a baby, but you are understandably anxious about coping with a baby by yourself. There are a lot of unknowns in your future, so it is possible that you will meet someone else and have a happy stable relationship with someone who would be happy to love you and your child if you continued the pregnancy.
Having an abortion at 20+ weeks is a more risky operation than an early abortion. It would be done in 2 stages and normally involves 2 anaesthetics. If you are still considering abortion you should weigh up these risks as well as the emotional turmoil you may feel after a late abortion.
There is also the option of considering an adoption plan if single motherhood really is not for you.
If you would like to talk about this to a pregnancy advisor please contact CareConfidential. Sometimes talking to someone outside your situation can help to clarify your thoughts. find a centre for crisis pregnancy support in your area.

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