I've been so adamant that I didn't want this baby that, last weekend, I just wanted to feel normal again. I went down the pub and got really drunk.By anonymous on 11/08/2009
I am 39 years old and pregnant. I've never wanted children and have always been so careful. I've never been pregnant; haven't even had a scare. I don't know what to do. My life has been turned upside down and I didn't think it would affect me like this. I work full-time, live on my own and have a mortgage. The sensible thing to do would be to have a termination. I've been so adamant that I didn't want this baby that, last weekend, I just wanted to feel normal again. I went down the pub and got really drunk. I've done this four times since I found out I was pregnant. I went for my consultation yesterday for my termination but now that it's about to happen I'm not sure I can go through with it. Now I am racked with guilt. What if I decide to keep it and it has FAS or something and it's my fault for my appalling behaviour since I've been pregnant. I am depressed and in turmoil. I don’t like myself very much at the moment. I can’t believe I've let myself get into this situation. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story…Sadly, none of us has the control over life that we would wish. We do our best to make things happen the way we want them to, but we cannot guarantee it, and you’ve had a surprise that has affected you more deeply than you thought. Everything in you wants to turn the clock back, to make everything ‘normal’ again, but everything has already changed, whether you have a termination or not. Nothing changes the fact that you have been pregnant. Yes, logically, a termination makes sense in your head – it removes the pressure, the problem and the circumstantial difficulties. But something tells me that your deeper self – your heart - has woken up to the meaning of this pregnancy. Your protective instincts have kicked in, telling you that consuming alcohol in an attempt to regain normality could damage your unborn child. Guilt tells us we have made a mistake, which makes it a healthy, if unpleasant, emotion, but it’s only telling us to do something differently. You do have a choice about the way forward, even if it doesn’t feel like it. It may help you to talk it through at your nearest centre, or call the helpline.