She told me I had a miscarriage

I was 15 years old. I had feelings for a guy. The wrong guy. It was a mistake, but something so wrong can feel so right. It was New Years 2012/13. I found out I was pregnant. I took two pregnancy tests that day. One was positive, the other negative. I spoke to my gynecologist and she gave me urine sample then sent me to get blood work. When I got my results, it was true. I was pregnant.

I told the child's father and he was shocked. At first he wanted an abortion. It added stress on me. I swore I would never kill a child inside me. Eventually, he fell in love with my baby after 2 weeks. Sadly, I knew there wouldn't be anything special between us. He had a girlfriend. They were on and off. It got me confused.
My belly grew. I became depressed. I was constantly puking. For some reason I didn't understand why she wanted him back after what he did. It wasn't the first time he's done this to her.

He was always seeing me. Always rubbing my stomach. I could see the biggest smile on his face. I got even more depressed and caught mood swings early. I would yell and scream. I had to deal with his girlfriend constantly writing me on Facebook and making me look bad. I would cry all the time. At one point, my child's father said he would tell his mother after we went to our appointment. That same day, he told everyone I lied. I was never pregnant. Then people who didn't know me would request me as a friend on Facebook but I would deny it. I got angry to the point where I screamed, "I don't want it!" So I said I would get an abortion.

One of my good friends tried to convince me not to. She said she would play father role because she didn't want to see an unborn child suffer. I kicked and screamed and punched my body. I would say, "Die!" My stomach eventually bruised. I cried day and night.

But then reality hit me. I told myself that I love my baby and I will be the best mom ever. I was excited for my next appointment. At this point, I was four months. I couldn't wait to find out the gender. My doctor was happy. I looked at her face while she was looking at the ultrasound.
I saw her smile disappear. I laid quietly as she continued to stare at the screen with big eyes. She looked at me and said, "Your child..." I stood up and wildly said, "What's wrong with my baby!" She told me I had a miscarriage. Tears were gone. I couldn't cry. I was in shock. I laid in a gown. I felt dizzy. I was in pain. To know my child was gone forever, hurt me. I cried finally. My baby, my joy, my happiness was gone, I never knew I could love someone I never met. All the letters I wrote to my baby are still with me. I just put them away and read them when I start to miss her/him. I want my child to forgive me for everything I put her/him through. I was 16 when I found this out. September 15, 2013 was supposed to be the due date. I hope my child can forgive me.

Editor's Comment

Miscarriage is very sad especially when you have no warning until an ultrasound scan detects it. It is easy to feel guilty and to believe that it was something you did that caused the miscarriage, but in reality nothing you did would have caused the miscarriage it was just something that was going to happen. I hope that you are able to move on from this although I am sure that this baby will always have a special place in your heart.

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